world serious

Players: Wade Boggs, Pete Rose

Cards: 1984 Topps Ralston Purina #4, 1999 Omega #227

Errors: Anton Chigurh, meet Peter Rose. Does Wade Boggs ever take his batting gloves off? Congratulations to the designers involved in all these uniform choices - you are an inspiration.

Comments:

TRANSCRIPT

UGLEE CARD CROSSFIRE EPISODE HI 54.645.99

ORIGINAL AIR DATE OCT 23 09

Welcome to a very special edition of Uglee Card Crossfire, World Series edition. I'm your host Tucker Carville and on tonight's program, I'm very happy to welcome some famous alumni from the teams squaring off in this year's World Series. From the Philadelphia Phillies, Peter Rose, and from the Tampa Bay Rays, Wade Boggs. Good to have both of you.

Rose: Hello, Tuck.
Boggs: Hey there, Tuck.

Well, I'll get right to it. Where do you both stand on the illegal immigration issue? It seems both the Phillies and the Rays support using immigrants from all over the world - Japan, the Middle East, Vatican City - to do their dirty work. They come here, but they refuse to learn our language, adopt our culture or eat our hot dogs. Should these players be deported or tarred?

Rose: Excuse me?

Answer the question, gentleman! This namby-pampy rhetoric is exactly - no, precisely - what has dulled the American voters into submission. Your response is just more pablum from men wearing strange, zip-up suits with large striped collars and tall-hat Tom Selleck wannabes! This is socialism at it's worst. It's very worst.

Boggs: Well, I thought we were here to make our predictions for the Series.

Yes, please go ahead, talk about baseball while terrorists and anti-American zealots are infiltrating our Boy Scout troops, teaching in our schools, driving our trains, painting our crosswalks, designing the country's Sodoku puzzles and populating our small huts. This is madness gentleman! Madness! I'd like a straight answer from the silver, ghostly embodiment of Wade Boggs which will haunt my dreams.

Boggs: Well, let's see. Uh...I'm pro-American, Tuck, if that's what you mean...er...I think the Rays bullpen could be the diff...

Bullpen? Bullpen! Oh, it's bull, all right. I don't care about some old washed up gambler. I want want to hear about Wade the Chicken Eater. I want a plan that will fix our crumbling infrastructure. I want answers to why a third basemen would wear long sleeves in Tampa while people in this country have no sleeves at all. And it's not just me - it's the American people: the baseball moms, the poker in-laws, the ping-pong grandmothers and the bowling cousins. What say you, sir?

Rose: Phillies in five?

Boggs: Rays in six?

Thank you both for being here. This has been Tucker Carville saying, if you're not American, you might as well punch yourself in the face.

Scoring: CS 1-3-6

regular and extra strength

Player: Joey McLaughlin
Card: 1984 Topps #556
Errors: Player woke up late, wore his light blue pajamas to the game. Player may have stolen Tom Henke's glasses. The promotion for tonight's game: all blurry fans half price. Player has a finger sticking out of his glove!
Comments: Fellas, how often have you gotten drunk, shaved your head, then had to show up bald at the construction site for six weeks? Ladies, that bad perm you got at a discount salon - should it really take two months before you can straighten your bangs again?

For years, men and women have suffered with slow growing hair. Well, never again with Insta-Shag!

Hair help has arrived and it's fast!
Insta-Shag guarantees to grow your hair 4,000% faster than normal. Using our patented microfibers and the latest in biomedical chemistry engineering we can have you hairy in less than an hour. It's that fast!
How do we do it? Our scientists worked for almost a month to find the perfect blend of natural ingredients and powerful chemicals. It uses the most innovative follicle acceleration compounds allowed under international treaties. Just rub Insta-Shag onto any area that needs growth, then wait for the hair to pour out. (Warning: wear gloves or your palms will be too hairy to hide! It's just that powerful!)
Don't believe us? Maybe you'll take the word of Major League pitcher Joey McLaughlin:
"On May 30, we had a big game against the Detroit. We were tied for first place and needed a win. (Manager) Bobby Cox called on me in the eighth inning, with the team up 2-0. I pitched great, striking out Herndon, Parrish and Wilson. When we scored two more runs in the top of the ninth, coach took me out. Everyone thought we had the game clinched!
But the Tigers scored four in the bottom of the ninth to tie up the game! Coach was stuck because we had no pitchers left. Dave Stieb was at his daughter's communion. Doyle Alexander had pitched the night before. Jim Acker had been attacked by a bear two nights earlier, and the trainers weren't ready to test his arm.
That's when I remembered I had some Insta-Shag in my locker. I ran into the clubhouse, rubbed some on and within three minutes I had a fully grown beard! Cox put me in again, telling the umpire my name was Moe JaGaughlin. Thanks to Insta-Shag they never knew the difference! Whitaker popped out, then after walking Gibson, I got Herndon and Cabell to ground out. The ball that Cabell hit was so covered in hair, it barely cleared the pitcher's mound!

We were in first place. I got the win, but Insta-Shag gets the save! Thanks Insta-Shag!"
Still don't believe us? Try Insta-Shag for three months and if you're not completely satisfied will send you another month's supply - absolutely free! Where else will you find that?

Insta-Shag can also be used to grow hair on dogs, turtles, Corvettes or bicycle racks. It is available in most Oscos, CVS stores and Hallmarks.
You'll soon be able to try Un-Shag, our hair growth inhibitor, which puts a burn so severe into the first three layers of skin you'll never grow hair again! (Use only under doctor's supervision. May cause death in rare instances.)
Scoring: 9-6-2

there ought to be clowns

Player: Rob Sperring
Card: 1978 Topps #514
Errors: Standing comfortably in foul territory, player has the look of a natural slugger. Blue star threatens to take over entire uniform. Player's large, bright orange belt may give fans the impression he is a crossing guard.
Comments:
October 13, 1978

To director of scouting/concession manager:
I don’t have to tell you that times are tough. The challenge for every Major League club is to fill a roster with individuals who can perform many roles without breaking the bank.
I believe I am in a unique position to help your squad. I am contacting you to offer my services as either a solid hitter with experience in both the infield and outfield, or as a clown to entertain children at your stadium.
As a player, I have logged four consecutive Major League seasons with more than 21 hits. During that time, I have played five different positions, with my specialties being shortstop and third base. The highlight for my career so far was Aug. 11, 1974 - my Major League debut - when I homered and doubled. After that day, I was sure I wanted to be a big league ballplayer. Or, if that was not possible, a clown.
My experience in the world of clowning took off this past year as I perfected my signature character: Ty Clown, the friendly baseball clown. As Ty Clown, I wear a goofy shirt, a large orange belt, comical pants and curly red hair. I have a regular routine of kid-friendly baseball jokes (Why did Lou Brock go to jail? For stealing bases!) and I am skilled at creating more than 15 balloon “animals” including: cat, dog, pony, octopus, giraffe, snake, worm, Ted Williams, Hank Aaron, tiger, blue jay, (Cubbie) bear, angel, crown (for Royals) and - for an extra fee - the Houston Astrodome.
You may have read media accounts about the June incident in Cincinnati where I became confused and used my bat during Gene Woodling’s fifth birthday. I want to assure you that was a one-time event. At the time, I had just begun taking a new medication, which caused me some hallucinations. Since then, with the help of a doctor and the support of my family, we have not had any recurrences. Not only does my settlement with the Woodling family not stop me from performing, it is actually part of my motivation to stay out there and earn money to pay my enormous legal fees.
I can provide references for both by baseball skills and clown appearances upon request.
I thank you for this opportunity to introduce myself. I look forward to meeting with you to talk more about what I could bring to the team in the position of infielder/entertainer.
Sincerely,
Rob Sperring
Scoring: 9-2

the tools of innocence

Player: Darren Daulton
Card: 1993 Triple Play #229
Errors: Player may feel uncomfortable showering in the locker room with full-grown adult teammates. Sweet tie - clip on? Um, that’s not a baseball player; it’s a little boy.
Comments: "Thank you for calling the TRIPLE PLAY! baseball card company customer satisfaction remedy line. Here at TRIPLE PLAY! baseball card company, we value each customer and hope that they have a fun, safe and pleasant experience collecting TRIPLE PLAY! baseball cards.
If at any time during this message you would like to reach a TRIPLE PLAY! operator press or say 'Villanueva.' A TRIPLE PLAY! operator may be with you shortly.
If you are calling about a problem with one of your TRIPLE PLAY! baseball cards being printed upside down, press or say 'Varsho'.
If you are calling with a complaint about the enormous glut of companies that produced baseball cards between 1988 and 1996, forcing executives to raid elementary school class pictures for their product, press or say 'Berryhill'.
If you believe that the number on the back of your TRIPLE PLAY! card provides a code that helps you understand the player's vibrational energy, make it rain inside our office.
If you are calling because you are disturbed by the very idea of TRIPLE PLAY! putting out cards with children’s pictures on them so they can be collected and traded by grown men, press or say 'Assenmacher'.
If you are a young man who’s father has died, then you fall while trying to catch a baseball, and the tendons in your arm heal in such a way that you can unexpectedly throw 103-mile-per-hour fastballs, press or say 'Dascenzo'.
If you are calling with an idea for a future TRIPLE PLAY! sports card set, including ultrasound pictures of Major League Stars, jock strap inserts from minor league managers or edible cards, press or say 'Schiraldi'.
For all other concerns, please hold and a TRIPLE PLAY! operator will be with you shortly, unless the company has gone out of business during this message."
Scoring: 7-2

long haired freaky people need not apply

Players: Pascual and Melido Perez
Cards: 1990 Fleer #358, 1990 Donruss #BC-13
Errors: Since his hair is unable to be contained by MLB hat, Pascual has also chosen to wear standard-issue white T and a jacket sized for little leaguer. Furthermore, he steals pens.
According to numbering, Melido's no hitter took place 13 years before the birth of Jesus. Also, apparently the 1990 baseball season contained no highlights greater than a rain-shortened 6-inning no hitter.
Comments: Attention. Ahem. Attention. Graduates, please. Take your seats. Sir! That squirt gun will be confiscated!
I'd like to welcome you all to the 2008 Uglee Cards Salute!...to hair graduation ceremony. It's been a long month and there were trying times. I can only thank Vidal Sassoon that we didn't see Jeff Parrett's chest hair.
We've gathered here today to honor all of you: Dave. Steve. Dickie. What you accomplished on the field is surpassed only by the vociferous hair-related endorsement contracts you have earned.
All we can say is: Thank you.
To honor your work, we've invited two very important people to this afternoon's ceremony.
They come to us straight from the Dominican Republic's House of Style.
Of course, they are brothers to each other. But I think during this long month they have also become brothers to much of the staff here. I know just the other day Dr. Ashburn remarked: "I'd no sooner jab a pen in his side than my own brother."
So, before they deliver their synchronized commencement addresses, I'd like to say a few words about Pascual and Melido Perez. And their hair.
Pascual, your scowl at fans stupefied and dumbfounded us at first. We wanted to ask: why the hatred while you're writing a number on your glove? But, as fast as we could ask, you'd answer: "This is not even my glove."
Well, done sir. Well done. You are so wise. Your hanging hair of Bablyon has given you many brain muscles.
Melido, your flowing, but somewhat sticky, locks dazzled the Yankees for six hitless innings. We can only imagine the various illegal substances you hid in plain sight, causing the ball to dip, dive and curve with a well-groomed panache.
Although the official scorers later disqualified your feat, you can be sure you've earned a place in our hearts, and hopefully the alumni donation book.
So, without further ado, on this beautiful and historic day, I present Melido and Pascual Perez.
Wild applause...
Scoring: 5-4-2

live from the rusty spikes

Player: Dave Schmidt
Card: 1985 Topps #313
Errors: Pants are slowly swallowing player - hat is already partially digested. Two of the fans at the game passed away before first pitch. Photo was taken shortly before player was hoisted up the flag pole for Star Spangled Banner.
Comments: Hey, welcome to the Rusty Spikes. I’m Johnny. Thank you, thank you. The regularly scheduled stand-up comedian was, uh, suddenly taken ill. He’s been vomiting all day. Really terrible, awful stuff. Nasty. But that’s not the worst news. The worst news is you're still in the audience!
Whoa! Seriously. Whoa!
OK, we’re all here to raise a little money for Uglee Card’s 2008 Salute! … to hair. And hey, what’s with this Uglee Card anyway? Can’t this guy write something normal? Why’s it always gotta be some exotic fish recipe or shampoo instructions or B-movie script? So the player’s a tubbo. Just say it already! Enough with the obtusity!
Am I right? Hello? Anybody there? Whoa!
Anyhow, all right. So we got this Dave Schmidt. What’s not to like about this guy? I gotta say: maybe he took the Bring Your Chia Pet To The Park promotion a little too seriously, right? Whoa!
I mean, is that a jheri curl? Did he accidentally start using Gary Ward's locker? Maybe he was Charlie Houghing some paint in the back. Do you feel me? Whoa!
That’s not right. That’s just not right!
Hey, Schmidt - the drum major from the Get Along Gang Marching Band called. He wants his pants back! Whoa! Is there a pantless clown running around? Whoa!
Am I right? Is this mic working? Or is the audience broken? Whoa!
Hey, I don’t come to your work and fall asleep, do I? Whoa!
And Dave Schmidt, buddy, I gotta say it. Wonder Woman’s missing her belt. What’s the story there, right? Whoa! Hey!
OK, OK, you’ve been great. Just kidding - you were terrible. I was amazing! Whoa!
Scoring: 7-5-2

head full of bed

Player: Dickie Thon
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #258
Errors: Apparently still on MLB probation, player was not issued team hat. Player showed up to stadium on wrong day or wrong city - discovered park empty.
Comments: We join this week’s Uglee Card's 2008 Salute!…to hair criminal trial, already in progress...Let's listen in...

Fancy lawyer man: Your honor, I object! Arguing facts not in evidence! At no point has anyone presented even a single shred of testimony that my client was sleeping directly before he arrived at the ballpark.
In fact, Mr. Thon’s wife testified that my client spent most of the morning in question grooming his expansive, luxurious mustache and eyebrows.
If my esteemed opponent wants to prove a charge of aggravated bed head, she knows that state statute requires hair intent. Her conduct is totally unprofessional.

Fancy lawyer woman: Well, your honor, I object to that characterization!
He knows I have latitude in my cross examination. I think my opponent has gone out of his way to show that his client’s scruffy, disheveled faux-beard is part of a “style.” I’m trying to show that this is more than a case of negligent hat hair. This hair has been teased!

Anyhow, I have a right to question the witness once he takes the stand.
Judge in bathrobe: Thank you, counsel and counsel. I’ll take both your arguments into consideration. But first, I’d like to ask the cat on Mr. Thon’s head a few questions.

Thon’s head: Meow.

Judge in bathrobe: Case closed!

Scoring: F8

flow it, show it, long as god can grow it

Player: Steve Trout
Card: 1981 Topps #552
Errors: Player may have caught Tom Henke Disease. Despite Major League pedigree, player has rookie-ball haircut. At least one fan (right, in yellow) decided to flee stadium rather than face hair/eyewear combo.
Comments: Welcome to Uglee Card's 2008 Salute!...to hair.
This month we will be celebrating the Hairy Scarys of MLB.
Making fun of a guy's height, his nose, his parents? Not cool. There's nothing he could do about that stuff; he was born into it.
But we can all go to the barber. Or, at least, lend our sister a pair of scissors.
Because when you make it to The Show, it's time for a Major League Buzz.
But Steve Trout never had a Crash Davis to teach him that. Instead, we're left with this candid picture, captured as Steve watched a hot dog vendor fall from the upper deck. In this graphic image, you can see all Trout's hair-related emotions: The embarrassment. The shame. The horror.
Or...um...at least you could see those feelings in his eyes. You know, if he wasn't wearing high-tech Sun Blocker 6000 glasses.
Well, 1981 Steve Trout, we here at Uglee Card salute you.
You are hereby awarded our first annual honorary: "Dave Coulier Shaggy Dog 'Do" Plaque. Wear it with pride, buddy.
Scoring: FO2