Thursday, January 31, 2008

i pitched in dodger stadium and all i got was a free baseball

Player: Pedro Astacio
Card: 1993 Fleer #57
Errors: Stadium evacuated before picture taken. Photographer borrowed from Los Angeles County High School. Hat also borrowed.
Comments: LOS ANGELES - A day Pedro Astacio will always remember will go down in Dodger history as a day to forget. Even Vin Scully couldn't smooth this one over.
With the Dodgers uncharacteristically in last place in the National League West - more than 20 games behind the division leading Atlanta Braves - the team decided to thank their fans with a promotion unique in the annals of baseball: Pitcher for a Day.
The Dodgers announced they would hold an open tryout for the fans who attended the Sept. 18 game against the Giants. The winner would pitch the first inning Sunday, the series finale, and earn a one-inning Major League paycheck.
Out of a crew of single moms, retired Navy Seals and high school shortstops "emerged" a 29-year-old Irvine, Calif., accountant. Pedro Astacio was his name.
Astacio told reporters it was no fluke. He informed the assembled media that for the last eight years, he had been a middle reliever for his firm's baseball team - nicknamed the "Acloutants" - in the Southeastern California SubPro League.
At tryouts, Astacio hit high 70s on the radar gun. Twice.
He also hit four other people auditioning and an usher on the way to her car.
But by Saturday, the Dodgers public relations machine was working overtime hours that would have made Astacio's head spin at his day job. He was touted as "the CPA with the low ERA", the "bean counter unafraid of beanball."
Through it all, Astacio was unfazed.
"It's definitely a bigger stage, but we played some huge games in the SeCSPL, so I think I can handle it," he said, while being measured for an awkward-fitting uniform. "(Former major leaguer) Tom Burnansky played a year in the league and he only hit .319 off me. I'm ready."
An hour before the game, Astacio grabbed his lucky accounting belt and went out to warm up, as manager Tommy Lasorda threw up quietly in his office.
Astacio's first pitch was his best of the night: a ball, outside, which catcher Mike Scioscia snagged by diving to his left. It was the last pitch Scioscia caught on the fly.
Astacio got through the first inning, as the promotion had promised. His line: 22 batters, 19 runs (all earned), 10 walks, 6 hit batters, 3 home runs.
Also, 2 Dodgers infielders injured, 1 Giant batter on the 60-day disabled list, 2 fans hit by errants throws and 1 disgusted opposing manager.
"I understand this is supposed to be fun," said Roger Craig, whose team won the game 20-2. "But I got guys getting hurt because this maniac can't hit the side of zeppelin. (Catcher Kurt) Manwaring was scared to go up to the plate. I had to sit him. We're not sure when Willie (McGee) will ever be the same. Doctor said if the pitch had been going more than 50 miles per hour, he'd be dead.
"When Kevin Bass and Cory Snyder are the only guys looking forward to batting, we're in trouble," Craig said. "I offically hate the fans."
After the game, Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda was inconsolable.
"Alston's rolling over his in grave," said the ashen manager. "I lost more weight during this game than six years on SlimFast."
As for Astacio? He was still beaming, six hours after the game.
Wearing his #56 uniform and a free hat, he held up the souvenir baseball the team had given him.
"I plan to hold it in my right hand forever," he said. "My right hand - that's the magic one."
Scoring: L4

Thursday, January 24, 2008

eiland's a nice place to visit

Player: David Eiland
Card: 1991 Fleer #661
Errors: Fixated stare. Player appears to be proposing to card's owner. Overabundance of yellow.
Comments: A first glance at David Eiland's career numbers (12 wins, 27 losses, 5.74 ERA) doesn't necessarily blow you away.
In 10 years, he never won more than four games in a single season, and never pitched more than 80 innings.
But David (never Dave!) Eiland's career was defined by one thing: his left leg. It was the only leg he had.
As seen above, David Eiland lost his right leg in a somewhat horrible bumper car accident. Did he let that tragedy stop him from achieving his big league dreams? For the most part, no.
Unfortunately, in 2000, after three seasons with the Devil Rays, Eiland retired. You can play baseball with one hand or one arm, but it's only a matter of time before Joe Girardi instructs every player on his team to bunt on a one-legged pitcher.
Though his time was brief, Americans will always remember his one shining moment in 1992. The country was still trying to come to grips with the difficult emotions that swirled around the acquittal of four officers who were videotaped beating Rodney King. Tensions were high. Hope was em-dashed.
Wearing his specially modified San Diego Padres uniform, David Eiland came up to the plate for the first time...and socked the only home run of his career.
Millions of Americans cried during David Eiland's home-run hop around the bases. We saw the potential in each of us. We learned that true greatness comes from our heart - not from the right ankle, knee cap or calf.
Three cheers to you, David Eiland. While statistics are temporary, one-legged pitchers are forever.
Scoring: E6

Thursday, January 17, 2008

a hat with a view of the world

Manager: Jim Leyland
Card: 1986 Topps Traded #66T
Errors: Bad uni. Bald spot visible through three-story hat.
Comments: "Jim, come in. Have a seat. We're glad you could make it today.
"Make yourself comfortable. You like that big chair, Jim? How's it feel - comfy? Good, good. Because, well, that's actually what we wanted to talk to you about, Jim.
"Chuck's done a hell of a job for us, Jim. No one will ever forget the '79 Series. Unforgettable. But, well, the last two years the Pirates finished sixth. Lost 104 games last year. Just not acceptable in Pittsburgh, you understand Jim.
"And, well, we just love what you're doing down there in Evansville. Fantastic stuff, Jim, really.
"I'll just be direct here. Chuck's stepping down and we'd like you to consider taking the manager's job. There's a substantial raise obviously. But there's more, Jim.
"You'll have some good young talent, too, Jim. Pena, Bream - they're ready to go. Bobby Bonds' kid should be ready to play this year. He's skinny, but he's the real deal. Plus, we've got our eye on the Cardinals' centerfielder, this pitcher with the Yankees and an outfielder from the White Sox, Bob Bonilla. It's an up-and-coming squad, Jim. We really think so.
"You'll do it? That's great, Jim. That's just great. We think this is a perfect match. A good fit, really.
"Oh, Jim. Before you go. One more thing. We almost forgot. You'll still get the talent, and the raise, and the big chair, and all that. But you're going to have to wear a hat made of mosquito netting. And it's about three feet tall. It's a completely ridiculous hat, Jim, but, well, we feel very strongly about this.
"Oh sure, Jim, you think about it. Talk to your wife. That's fine. We'll be here, waiting, Jim, with the chair, and the raise, and the talent. And the stovepipe baseball hat.
"Talk to you soon, Jim."
Scoring: 6-4-3

Thursday, January 10, 2008

this is your pitcher, this is your pitcher on chew

Player: Tommy Greene
Cards: 1993 Topps #291, 1993 Fleer #489, 1993 Score #464
Errors: Cramming giant player onto tiny card. Encouraging kids to chew the non-wacky tabacky.
Comments: Remember how your Little League coach told you chewing tobacco was just not cool?
And remember how you were like, "Don't be such a square, Coach McVeen! Brett Butler chews a pound and half of tobacco a day and he has more bunt base hits than anyone in the major leagues, Coach McVeen! So chewing tobacco must be cool, Coach McVeen!"
Remember that?
Well, turns Coach McVeen was right. Dead right.
Above, are two cards depicting Tommy Greene, the beard-growing, hard-throwing, and chew-chewing pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. (Butt circle emphasis added.)
Tommy Greene had it all. He tossed a no-hitter against the Expos. (Still counts.) He was ninth in the National League in strikeouts per nine innings in 1991. And he made a very sweet $255,000 in 1992. He was on top of the world.
But Tommy Greene was hooked on The Chew. He couldn't get away from The Chew. In his sleep, The Chew. At the movies, The Chew. Reading Emily Dickinson poems to elderly people at a local nursing home, The Chew. He took The Chew, everywhere...even to the pitching mound!
Look below and you will see the horrible, disfiguring results of chewing tobacco. Tommy Greene's body: bent and crumpled like a He-Man left in the sun. He's an animal, a freak!

Listen to Coach McVeen - just say no, kids!
Scoring: F7

Thursday, January 3, 2008

glasses so big, he can see the future

Player: Tom Henke
Card: 1988 Topps All-Star, #396
Errors: Big glasses. Too happy. Obscenely yellow. Possible decapitation photo. Chest hair.
Comments: Looking at Big Tom's stats, two things stuck out:
One, how did he finish seventh in Rookie of the Year voting after his fourth year in the big leagues? He pitched 25 games the year before! Maybe no one noticed. But, I digress.
Two, I was impressed that he saved 36 games with a 1.82 ERA in his last year. Big Tom went out on top. Unfortunately, the age of the contact lens pitcher was upon us by then, make Big Tom a relic. Honestly, have we no room in our hearts for a Tom Henke, a Kent Tekulve? Eric Gagne was close with the prescription goggles, but we all know that's not the same thing.
Where are ye now, Tom Henke? We miss you and your Coke-bottle happiness.
Scoring: 3-1

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

previous poll results

All polling is conducted by Uglee Polling Inc., which is a joint subsidiary of Uglee Cards Ltd., and Uglee Technologies Co.
Margin of error on all results is essentially negligible, more or less.

Poll ending Dec. 18, 2008
You've been approached to help with government assistance on the sale of the Cubs. What do you demand in return?
Bring me the head of Domingo Ramos - 9 percent
100 grand in Big League Chew - 33 perent
Box seats at Kaufman Stadium - 9 percent
An appointment as Secretary of Interleague Play - 18 percent
An actual baseball diamond - 30 percent
100 grand in Big League Chew. Make it small, unmarked wads.

Poll ending Dec. 11, 2008
How do you get Orel Hershiser to leave your house?
Varnish the floors - 22 percent
Bring in George Bell to chase him out - 29 percent
Fumigate - 11 percent
Give 'em the ole college try - 18 percent
Foul pole - 22 percent
OK, sure. But then who do you get to chase George Bell out? Jesse Orosco?

Poll ending Dec. 4, 2008
What did you serve at your Thanksgiving baseball dinner?
Catfish Hunter - 7 percent
Bob Tewksberries - 44 percent
Goose Gossage - 22 percent
Billy Beanes - 14 percent
Jim Rice - 11 percent
Tewskberries are magically delicious.

Poll ending Nov. 27, 2008
Who should buy the Cubs?
Mark Cuban - 11 percent
Cuba - 33 percent
The Cuban Missile Crisis - 11 percent
Cuba Gooding Jr. - 25 percent
Oprahbot - 18 percent
Fidel Castro will finally fulfill his dream of playing for a Major League baseball team. Well, close enough.

Poll ending Nov. 20, 2008
Hot Stove League! What's your favorite trade?
Joe Crede for Hans Solo -32 percent
Jake Peavy for Warren Buffet - 11 percent
Randy Johnson for Kiki Cyler - 2 percent
Garrett Atkins for Santa R. Claus - 8 percent
Brian Roberts for Cypress Hill - 44 percent
Inexplicably, Cypress Hill for Brian Roberts is your favorite trade. Who you trying to get crazy with? Don’t you know Brian Roberts is loco?

Poll ending Nov. 13, 2008
How much would you give C.C. Sabathia to pitch for your team?
$500 million for 10 years - 2 percent
$50 billion for 6 years - 0 percent
$5 trillion for the last three games of the season - 5 percent
Omniscience - 20 percent
Canada - 71 percent
More than two-thirds of our voters were willing to swap the great country up north for the country of a man. Of course, omniscience knew they’d vote that way.

Poll ending Nov. 6, 2008
Who will win the World Series next year?
MacGyver - 30 percent
The Smurfs - 23 percent
John McCain - 9 percent
Horace Grant - 23 percent
Other - 11 percent
MacGyver will win the World Series using only the lens of a telescope and a pancake.

Poll ending Oct. 30, 2008
You have two tickets to the World Series. Who ya bringing?
Joe the Plumber - 20 percent
Bob the Builder - 28 percent
Horatio the Gentle Musician - 30 percent
Dennis the Federal Inmate - 5 percent
Sam the Great - 5 percent
Wally the Insignificant - 35 percent
As the Phillies celebrated, Horatio played a soothing ballad and Wally - insignificant no more - wet himself.

Poll ending Oct. 23, 2008
So, when will the Cubs win the World Series?
Never - 14 percent
Not ever - 9 percent
One day after not going to happen - 37 percent
Flying pig day - 16 percent
Hell's winter - 12 percent
I'll get back to you - 9 percent
Naga… naga… nagannahappen, that’s for sure.

Poll ending Oct. 16, 2008
Which baseball issue would you like to see the presidential candidates address in their next debate?
Designated hitter - 16 percent
Instant replay - 6 percent
The Cubs - 16 percent
Nacho prices - 18 percent
Nicknames that are "player's initial-Rod" - 38 percent
The squeeze play - 6 percent
You asked, they answered. McCain proposes an immediate "initial-Rod" freeze. Obama proposes "initial-Rod" cuts for 95 percent of major leaguers.

Poll ending Oct. 9, 2008
______ the Mets.
Forget - 27 percent
Shred - 22 percent
Disband - 29 percent
Love - 6 percent
Forgive - 13 percent
Say it ain't so, Joe (Smith). Uglee Card Nation chooses to disband the Mets and merge the remaining players with the Cincinntucky Purple Stockings.

Poll ending Oct. 2, 2008
Who should be the real, legitimate all-time major league home run leader?
Darrell Evans (414 career homers) - 17 percent
Joe Adcock (336 homers) - 15 percent
Rudy York (277 homers) - 2 percent
Chet Lemon (215 homers) - 23 percent
Kevin McReynolds (211 homers) - 25 percent
Claudell Washington (164 homers) 15 percent
What do you have against Rudy York? Well, never mind - move over Mr. Bonds. K-Mac has been crowned the new King!

Poll ending Sept. 25, 2008
How evil is Manny Ramirez?
Gargamel Evil - 33 percent
Old Russia Evil - 13 percent
Lex Luthor Evil - 11 perent
Cobra Kai Evil - 30 percent
Ivan Drago Evil - 11 percent
I hate that smurfing smurfer Manny Ramirez!

Poll ending Sept. 18, 2008
The Zim?
Zimmer Summer - 6 percent
Zimmer Zoner - 12 percent
Zimmer Bummer - 6 percent
Zimmer Dinner - 32 percent
Zimmer Zapper - 48 percent
Zim on. Zap off. Zim on, zap off. The Zimmer.

Poll ending Sept. 11, 2008
Which baseball accomplishment is most rare?
Inside the national park home run. - 10 percent
Hitting for the rinse cycle. - 24 percent
Suicide pact squeeze. - 51 percent
Unassisted triple playStation. - 10 percent
Perfect Games magazine. - 2 percent
"Here's the bunt! The runner's coming in. And...oh my...both the batter and runner have taken cyanide pills. Very tragic."

Poll ending Sept. 4, 2008
If you were forced to live in Wrigley Field for a year, where would you set up camp?
Bleacher basket bed - 20 percent
Urinal trough - 10 percent
In scoreboard: third row; American League visitors; third inning - 40 percent
Amid the ivy - 25 percent
Aisle 4, Row 8, Seat 113 - 5 percent
Have fun in the scoreboard. We’ll take the Bartman seat.

Poll ending Aug. 28, 2008
Which baseball movie must be made?
Weekend at Bernie Williams's - 32 percent
Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean - 28 percent
Kangaroo Jack Morris - 17 percent
Mr. Bryn Smith Goes To Washington - 8 percent
Saving Private B.J. Ryan - 15 percent
Seven: The Story of Paul Householder - 8 percent
With Jonathan Silverman as Paul O’Neill and Jaleel White as Bernie Williams.

Poll ending Aug. 21, 2008
What should MLB’s punishment be for not hustling?
Have both legs amputated by angry mob. - 5 percent
Required to read "Respect For The Game" by John Kruk. - 37 percent
Walk the Pirates plank. - 8 percent
Spend the remainder of season on spit clean up. - 5 percent
Two weeks, no cup. - 42 percent
This may not work. Statistics show almost two-thirds of Major League ballplayers already don’t wear cups.

Poll ending Aug. 14, 2008
What baseball stat would you like add to the back of baseball cards?
OPSCUBA (On base and slugging underwater) - 12 percent
WHIPDA (walks and hits per public display of affection) - 4 percent
SLGNP (slugging divided by salary's portion of gross national product) - 32 percent
ERAWOL (earned runs allowed on pitches that can't be located) - 12 percent
LIPSANFU (choking average in late inning pressure situations) - 40 percent
Sadly, this statistic is not recognized by Bill James.

Poll ending July 31, 2008
Why isn’t this poll question changing?
It was mentioned in the Mitchell report. - 6 percent
It's tagging up. - 24 percent
Balk! That's a balk! - 36 percent
Trying to hold on until the trading deadline. - 18 percent
All-Star break! - 14 percent
If this poll ever falls behind again, you have permission to beat the balk out of us.

Poll ending July 10, 2008
George Washington is to Independence Day, as ...
The Tampa Bay Rays are to Christmas - 22 percent
Tim Wakefield is to Flag Day - 5 percent
Middle relievers are to Mother's Day - 22 percent
Fenway Park is to Secretary's Day - 8 percent
Warren Spahn is to Wednesday - 41 percent
If Spahn is Wednesday, that must mean Johnny Sain is Thursday. Or Tuesday. You can never be sure.

Poll ending July 3, 2008
You just bought the Seattle Mariners, which of these G.M.'s will you hire to be your GM?
Happy Days creator Garry Marshall - 30 percent
80s rocker George Michael - 15 percent
Former Cubs outfield Gary Matthews - 6 percent
Auto company General Motors - 15 percent
300-game winner Greg Maddox - 21 percent
NBA Hall of Famer George Mikan - 12 percent
The Fonz will be vice president in charge of player whoa. Penny Marshall will serve as traveling secretary.

Poll ending June 26, 2008
Which one of these Hall-of-Fame eligible players will you vote for in 2009?
Steve Avery - 9 percent
Jay Bell - 12 percent
Todd Hundley - 3 percent
Denny Neagle - 6 percent
Jesse Orosco - 16 percent
Greg Vaughn - 9 percent
I choose death - 41 percent
Death fails to receive the required 75 percent of the BBWAA votes needed for election. So, just Rickey Henderson then.

Poll ending June 19, 2008
What’s the best way to get moisture for a spit ball?
Collect a jar of Kevin Youkilis' head sweat. - 32 percent
Pretzel cheese is a suitable substitute for spit. - 22 percent
You're a big leaguer! Get someone in your posse to do it. - 12 percent
Hide the spit in your nail file. Casually apply during mound manicure. - 16 percent
Rear back and hock it. - 16 percent
Youkilis sweat is a rare and precious commodity. It’s trading at $3.44 per gallon on the New York Board of Trade.

Poll ending June 12, 2008
What should be next week’s question?
What should you never do while balking? 22 percent
Who has the most WILL power? - 5 percent
What's Joe Morgan's middle name? - 27 percent
If you were forced to live in Wrigley Field for a year, where would you set up camp? - 12 percent What's the best way to get moisture for a spitball? - 32 percent
Surprisingly, readers are not interested in voting on the subtle differences between Will Clark and George Will.

Poll ending June 5, 2008
Should there be instant replay in baseball?
That wasn't really Randy Johnson. It was a fake! - 3 percent
Insta-Lasorda - 42 percent
The quadruple steal - 15 percent
Jesse Orosco from the high dive - 30 percent
Pride of the Yankees - 11 percent
Was it a home run or not? Shake Insta-Lasorda and you'll have your answer in six seconds!

Poll ending May 29, 2008
Assuming there's no strike or Saturn attack, who's the favorite to win the 2109 NL Central?
Cincinnati Benevolent Monkey Overlords - 16 percent
Chicago Winfreys - 16 percent
Milwaukee Space Tattoos - 0 percent
New Houston Name Censored By Public Protection Committee - 14 percent
St. Louis Fallen Arches - 10 percent
Superburgh www.hipstercasino.coms - 41 percent
Since the team's no longer the pits, Ken Griffey XII and the hipstercasinos should win easily - bet on it!

Poll ending May 22, 2008
When does a fair ball become foul?
After it doesn't return your calls for a week - 11 percent
After it hits on your sister - 25 percent
After it sits on the kitchen counter for three days - 16 percent
After it rolls under Don Zimmer's bed - 23 percent
After it gets dissed by Orel Hershiser- 23 percent
Any baseball that hits on my sister deserves to get smacked by Vlad Guerrero. Or tackled by Zim.

Poll ending May 15, 2008
Mickey or Mackey?
Mickey Cochrane - 6 percent
Mackey Sasser - 32 percent
Mickey Mantle - 23 percent
Biz Mackey - 9 percent
Mickey Tettleton - 27 percent
Mickey who? Our peeps love the original Mack Daddy, Mr. Sasser.

Poll ending May 8, 2008
Which mascot is least racially offensive?
Mr. Met - 26 percent
Phillie Phanatic - 24 percent
Bernie Brewer - 5 percent
Fredbird 12 percent
Mariner Moose - 16 percent
Rally Monkey - 13 percent
Call off the protests. Mr. Met's unusually large head is not so appalling after all.

Poll ending May 1, 2008
Least effective third base coach chatter?
"Hey batta. Pitcher's got acne." - 5 percent
"Let's go now. No pregnancies. C'mon." - 32 percent
"Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips saaawing batta." - 18 percent
"Zombies stole my soul. Bunt!" - 25 percent
"OK, gotta work it. Snow White in row seven." - 18 percent
It’s official. Nearly one-third of deadspin readers do not want to hear Jose Oquendo talking about childbirth.

Poll ending April 24, 2008
Elston - 23 percent
Ryan - 15 percent
Moe - 30 percent
Johnson - 3 percent
Frank - 26 percent
Now, batting clean up for the Nyuksville Wise Guys, Mooooooe Howard!

Poll ending April 17, 2008
Which team's 1984 baseball slogan was least effective?
Mets: Let's dispose of the Expos! - 44 percent
Cubs: Durham? But I hardly know this fellow you want me to Dur! - 0 percent
Royals: Gubicza and Black, then pray for flack. - 27 percent
Mariners: They win or Spike Owens swims the English Channel. - 11 percent
Reds: We're not commies. Honestly. - 16 percent
And a brief 21 years later, that slogan came true. When Keith Hernandez threw Tim Raines in the Hudson River.

Poll ending April 10, 2008
What baseball term are you the most uncomfortable saying in front of your grandmother?
Base on balls - 9 percent
Balk - 3 percent
Getting to third base - 6 percent
Touch’em all - 3 percent
Dickie Thon - 56 percent
Bringing the lumber - 21 percent
Cover your ears grandma! "Is that Dickie Thon in your lineup or are you just happy to be batting? "

Poll ending April 3, 2008
How are you celebrating Manny Trillo week?
Break dancing - 19 percent
Manntasizing - 23 percent
Hunger strike - 4 percent
Using the phrase: "Trillo out." - 33 percent
Manny Trillo skin suit - 19 percent
Starting the MTWeek 2009 countdown! - 0 percent
What else can we say, except for Trillo Out!
(Just 51 weeks until MTWeek 2009...Spaces filling fast.)

Poll ending March 27, 2008
Which former baseball team should be brought back?
Montreal Expos - 30 percent
Cincinntucky Purple Stockings - 13 percent
Bad News Bears - 21 percent
Houston Colt 45s - 30 percent
New York Highlanders - 4 percent
Readers demand the Colt 45s and Expos be given new life. Rusty Staub would be so proud.

Poll ending March 20, 2008
Which spring training prank is most likely to draw the ire of manager Jim Leyland?
Donkey in locker - 33 percent
Switching lineup card with Foldgers Crystals - 16 percent
Sticking matchbook in cleat, lighting car on fire - 16 percent
Exploding jockstrap - 16 percent
Marijuana outfield - 25 percent
Ah, the old donkey in the locker gag. The very reason Will Pennyfeather was blacklisted from Major League Baseball.

Poll ending March 13, 2008
Before rubbing flaxseed oil became the rage, what was the preferred way to get steroids?
Dabbled on cornflakes - 35 percent
Telepathy - 7 percent
Stitched into uniform - 14 percent
Mixed with hair gel - 14 percent
Inference - 28 percent
The doctors at Uglee Medical Staff Inc., cannot specifically recommend steroids on your cornflakes. But they're not not recommending it either, if you get the drift. Which you do.

Poll ending March 6, 2008
Least popular baseball nickname?
Oil Can - 40 percent
Whitey - 20 percent
Nook - 10 percent
Cranny - 10 percent
A-Rodney - 10 percent
Megan - 30 percent
The tin man would be proud. 'Oil Can' is officially baseball's least popular nickname!

Poll ending Feb. 28, 2008
What’s your toupee made of?
Grass - 20 percent
Astroturf - 20 percent
Warning track paint - 20 percent
Infield dirt - 0 percent
Pine tar - 80 percent
Doctors agree: 80 percent of fake hair is made of tasty pine tar!

Poll ending Feb. 21, 2008
Which former president would have made the best second baseman on your fantasy team?
Millard Fillmore - 12 percent
Abraham Lincoln - 0 percent
Franklin Pierce - 37 percent
Rutherford B. Hayes - 50 percent
Jimmy Carter - 12 percent
For the second time in 132 years, Rutherford B. Hayes wins by one vote!

Poll ending Feb. 14, 2008
PNC - 40 percent
Take me out to the ball - 40 percent
Chan Ho - 60 percent
AT&T - 0 percent
Dave (er) - 20 percent
Congratulations to Chan Ho Park for his first significant win in many years.

Poll ending Feb. 7, 2008
Sambito - 41 percent
DiMaggio - 33 percent
Cronin - 0 percent
Borowski - 16 percent
McEwing - 33 percent
Congratulations to Long Island native Joe Sambito!

Poll ending Feb. 1, 2008
Which Canada?
Joe Carter - 25 percent
Montreal Expos - 50 percent
Skydome - 0 percent
Bryn Smith - 33 percent
Hubie Brooks - 33 percent
Viva Les Expos!