concede nothing

Player: Roy Oswalt
Card: 2003 Donruss Studio #133

Errors: I hate to tell you this Roy, but there's a train driving through your head. Is that a baseball offering? Is the baseball too hot too handle? Furthermore, player appears to be a giant.

Comments:

Thank you. Thank you.

(Pause)

I want to thank all of you for coming out here tonight and waiting in what appears to be some sort of train depot in the sky. Folks, I'm sad to tell you we have reached the end of our journey tonight. My teammates have spoken and they have spoken clearly - they would rather keep this Rawlings baseball on the team than me. I have been sent packing.

But let me assure you all tonight, that it was not me who failed. It was you, mainly. And the liberal media, a bit. But mostly you kept me down. Staying home to watch SportsCenter rather than knocking on a few more doors; creating your own campaign literature that said "Vote Roy, if you aren't busy with more important things." You just weren't good enough.

Please, please. Booing's not necessary. Unless you're saying "Rooooooy." Are you saying "Roooooy?" No? Oh, OK.

A few minutes ago, I called Rawlings baseball and offered my congratulations. Shortly after dialing, I was told by my aides that Rawlings had blocked my calls and text messages. But had I been able to speak to this inanimate object, I surely would have told it of my great admiration for all it's work and fine stitching.

Rawlings baseball ran an honorable campaign. Although Rawlings was unable to hold conversations, never brought beer to any of the team parties, never purchased Rolexes for the infielders and never gave up the good parking spot, it's clear my teammates have chosen to keep this baseball. What's not clear is why. At least I have opposable thumbs, as you can see.

There are so many people to thank - the train engineers, the coal shovelers, the necklace makers. But I want to be sure to thank this woman standing next to me. I just met her, but she seems like a fantastic lady and she's a soccer fan, so that's great.

I also want to make mention of all the young people who got involved. Johnny the bat boy, I thought your vote should have counted. Don't give up that spirit. You are the future, even if you're not worth a hoot right now.

Well, folks, I will continue the fight to have fewer Rawlings baseballs on the team. In our time ahead, I hope Rawlings and I can work together to decrease the number of foul balls in the stands. In the meantime, I have filed an injunction to challenge the vote totals.

Who's with me?

Scoring: 8-5-2

there ought to be clowns

Player: Rob Sperring
Card: 1978 Topps #514
Errors: Standing comfortably in foul territory, player has the look of a natural slugger. Blue star threatens to take over entire uniform. Player's large, bright orange belt may give fans the impression he is a crossing guard.
Comments:
October 13, 1978

To director of scouting/concession manager:
I don’t have to tell you that times are tough. The challenge for every Major League club is to fill a roster with individuals who can perform many roles without breaking the bank.
I believe I am in a unique position to help your squad. I am contacting you to offer my services as either a solid hitter with experience in both the infield and outfield, or as a clown to entertain children at your stadium.
As a player, I have logged four consecutive Major League seasons with more than 21 hits. During that time, I have played five different positions, with my specialties being shortstop and third base. The highlight for my career so far was Aug. 11, 1974 - my Major League debut - when I homered and doubled. After that day, I was sure I wanted to be a big league ballplayer. Or, if that was not possible, a clown.
My experience in the world of clowning took off this past year as I perfected my signature character: Ty Clown, the friendly baseball clown. As Ty Clown, I wear a goofy shirt, a large orange belt, comical pants and curly red hair. I have a regular routine of kid-friendly baseball jokes (Why did Lou Brock go to jail? For stealing bases!) and I am skilled at creating more than 15 balloon “animals” including: cat, dog, pony, octopus, giraffe, snake, worm, Ted Williams, Hank Aaron, tiger, blue jay, (Cubbie) bear, angel, crown (for Royals) and - for an extra fee - the Houston Astrodome.
You may have read media accounts about the June incident in Cincinnati where I became confused and used my bat during Gene Woodling’s fifth birthday. I want to assure you that was a one-time event. At the time, I had just begun taking a new medication, which caused me some hallucinations. Since then, with the help of a doctor and the support of my family, we have not had any recurrences. Not only does my settlement with the Woodling family not stop me from performing, it is actually part of my motivation to stay out there and earn money to pay my enormous legal fees.
I can provide references for both by baseball skills and clown appearances upon request.
I thank you for this opportunity to introduce myself. I look forward to meeting with you to talk more about what I could bring to the team in the position of infielder/entertainer.
Sincerely,
Rob Sperring
Scoring: 9-2