pencils down

Players: Larry Walker, Darren Daulton
Card: 1993 Fleer #715
Errors: Why aren't investigative reporters looking into the proliferation beer ads on baseball cards? Also, what is the connection between these two players? Marl...Marl...Marl-what?
Comments:
SECTION FOUR: VOCABULARY COMPREHENSION
You will have sixteen (16) minutes to complete the following questions. Each question will have only one correct answer. Be sure to color in the oval completely, without going outside the borders. Proctors cannot answer questions about this section of the exam.
You may begin.

1. Larry Walker's head is to Darren Daulton's head; as a golf ball is to:
a) A tennis ball
b) The Earth
c) A cement block
d) Domingo Ramos

2. Expos are to pterodactyls; as Seattle Pilots are to:
a) Bump Wills
b) The Kingdome
c) Washington (state)
d) The Colt .45's

3. Gold chains are to totally awesome; as Super Star Specials are to:
a) monolithic
b) dudical
c) inaccurate
d) Domingo Ramos

4. Darren Daulton's mullet is to business in the front, party in the back; as Darren Daulton's Robocop jaw is to:
a) I'll be back.
b) Holy cow!
c) The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!
d) All of the above.

5. Fleer is to gray borders; as MLB logos are to:
a) Script writing
b) Dotting i's with stars
c) Pinstripes do not make you look thinner
d) Misdirected Canadian patriotism

6. Larry Walker is to Darren Daulton; as Bert is to:
a) Ernie
b) Blyleven
c) rubber duckie
d) Domingo Ramos

Scoring: CS1-2

world serious

Players: Wade Boggs, Pete Rose

Cards: 1984 Topps Ralston Purina #4, 1999 Omega #227

Errors: Anton Chigurh, meet Peter Rose. Does Wade Boggs ever take his batting gloves off? Congratulations to the designers involved in all these uniform choices - you are an inspiration.

Comments:

TRANSCRIPT

UGLEE CARD CROSSFIRE EPISODE HI 54.645.99

ORIGINAL AIR DATE OCT 23 09

Welcome to a very special edition of Uglee Card Crossfire, World Series edition. I'm your host Tucker Carville and on tonight's program, I'm very happy to welcome some famous alumni from the teams squaring off in this year's World Series. From the Philadelphia Phillies, Peter Rose, and from the Tampa Bay Rays, Wade Boggs. Good to have both of you.

Rose: Hello, Tuck.
Boggs: Hey there, Tuck.

Well, I'll get right to it. Where do you both stand on the illegal immigration issue? It seems both the Phillies and the Rays support using immigrants from all over the world - Japan, the Middle East, Vatican City - to do their dirty work. They come here, but they refuse to learn our language, adopt our culture or eat our hot dogs. Should these players be deported or tarred?

Rose: Excuse me?

Answer the question, gentleman! This namby-pampy rhetoric is exactly - no, precisely - what has dulled the American voters into submission. Your response is just more pablum from men wearing strange, zip-up suits with large striped collars and tall-hat Tom Selleck wannabes! This is socialism at it's worst. It's very worst.

Boggs: Well, I thought we were here to make our predictions for the Series.

Yes, please go ahead, talk about baseball while terrorists and anti-American zealots are infiltrating our Boy Scout troops, teaching in our schools, driving our trains, painting our crosswalks, designing the country's Sodoku puzzles and populating our small huts. This is madness gentleman! Madness! I'd like a straight answer from the silver, ghostly embodiment of Wade Boggs which will haunt my dreams.

Boggs: Well, let's see. Uh...I'm pro-American, Tuck, if that's what you mean...er...I think the Rays bullpen could be the diff...

Bullpen? Bullpen! Oh, it's bull, all right. I don't care about some old washed up gambler. I want want to hear about Wade the Chicken Eater. I want a plan that will fix our crumbling infrastructure. I want answers to why a third basemen would wear long sleeves in Tampa while people in this country have no sleeves at all. And it's not just me - it's the American people: the baseball moms, the poker in-laws, the ping-pong grandmothers and the bowling cousins. What say you, sir?

Rose: Phillies in five?

Boggs: Rays in six?

Thank you both for being here. This has been Tucker Carville saying, if you're not American, you might as well punch yourself in the face.

Scoring: CS 1-3-6

the tools of innocence

Player: Darren Daulton
Card: 1993 Triple Play #229
Errors: Player may feel uncomfortable showering in the locker room with full-grown adult teammates. Sweet tie - clip on? Um, that’s not a baseball player; it’s a little boy.
Comments: "Thank you for calling the TRIPLE PLAY! baseball card company customer satisfaction remedy line. Here at TRIPLE PLAY! baseball card company, we value each customer and hope that they have a fun, safe and pleasant experience collecting TRIPLE PLAY! baseball cards.
If at any time during this message you would like to reach a TRIPLE PLAY! operator press or say 'Villanueva.' A TRIPLE PLAY! operator may be with you shortly.
If you are calling about a problem with one of your TRIPLE PLAY! baseball cards being printed upside down, press or say 'Varsho'.
If you are calling with a complaint about the enormous glut of companies that produced baseball cards between 1988 and 1996, forcing executives to raid elementary school class pictures for their product, press or say 'Berryhill'.
If you believe that the number on the back of your TRIPLE PLAY! card provides a code that helps you understand the player's vibrational energy, make it rain inside our office.
If you are calling because you are disturbed by the very idea of TRIPLE PLAY! putting out cards with children’s pictures on them so they can be collected and traded by grown men, press or say 'Assenmacher'.
If you are a young man who’s father has died, then you fall while trying to catch a baseball, and the tendons in your arm heal in such a way that you can unexpectedly throw 103-mile-per-hour fastballs, press or say 'Dascenzo'.
If you are calling with an idea for a future TRIPLE PLAY! sports card set, including ultrasound pictures of Major League Stars, jock strap inserts from minor league managers or edible cards, press or say 'Schiraldi'.
For all other concerns, please hold and a TRIPLE PLAY! operator will be with you shortly, unless the company has gone out of business during this message."
Scoring: 7-2

this is your pitcher, this is your pitcher on chew

Player: Tommy Greene

Cards: 1993 Topps #291, 1993 Fleer #489, 1993 Score #464

Errors: Cramming giant player onto tiny card. Encouraging kids to chew the non-wacky tabacky.
Comments: Remember how your Little League coach told you chewing tobacco was just not cool?

And remember how you were like, "Don't be such a square, Coach McVeen! Brett Butler chews a pound and half of tobacco a day and he has more bunt base hits than anyone in the major leagues, Coach McVeen! So chewing tobacco must be cool, Coach McVeen!"

Remember that?

Well, turns Coach McVeen was right. Dead right.

Above, are two cards depicting Tommy Greene, the beard-growing, hard-throwing, and chew-chewing pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies. (Butt circle emphasis added.)

Tommy Greene had it all. He tossed a no-hitter against the Expos. (Still counts.) He was ninth in the National League in strikeouts per nine innings in 1991. And he made a very sweet $255,000 in 1992. He was on top of the world.

But Tommy Greene was hooked on The Chew. He couldn't get away from The Chew. In his sleep, The Chew. At the movies, The Chew. Reading Emily Dickinson poems to elderly people at a local nursing home, The Chew. He took The Chew, everywhere...even to the pitching mound!

Look below and you will see the horrible, disfiguring results of chewing tobacco. Tommy Greene's body: bent and crumpled like a He-Man left in the sun. He's an animal, a freak!

Listen to Coach McVeen - just say no, kids!

Scoring: F7