a low five

Player: Ryan Klesko
Card: 2003 Topps Opening Day #23
Errors: Player appears to be hitting batting practice into fans. Player believes his hat is camouflage - rest of uniform does not blend in.
Comment:
Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines "worst" as the "most unfavorable, difficult, unpleasant, or painful." I believe this is the perfect way to describe the 2003 Topps Opening Day Ryan Klesko card. I believe this is the worst card ever put on cardboard because it is from a useless a subset, it makes no sense at all and Ryan Klesko sucks.
One of the reasons the 2003 Topps Opening Day Ryan Klesko is the worst card ever produced is because it is from a useless subset. In 2003, Topps put out a regular set, a gallery set, a pristine set, a game-used memoribilia set, a heritage set, a mini set, a blue back set, a chrome set and a traded set. There was probably even more. So, the opening day set is just one more dumb picture of a player. It's like Topps is spitting in the eyes of collectors, which is bad if you want them to buy stuff.
The second reason the 2003 Topps Opening Day Ryan Klesko is the worst card ever is because it makes no sense at all. The player is shown in a military hat, but who knows why. He's hitting off a batting tee, so it looks unique but instead it's only erstwhile and stupid and no one wants a card like that. Also, it also does not seem to have anything to do with opening day.
Finally, the 2003 Topps Opening Day Ryan Klesko is the worst card ever because Ryan Klesko sucks. He's only hit over .300 two times and he grounded into 7 double plays, both very poor statistics. He also struck out 86 times which is one of the worst things you can do because it hurts your team and doesn't add any runs. He also only got one triple, which is not many even for something hard like a triple.
There are many, many bad cards ever invented in the world. But only one can be the worst card of all time in the entire universe. Because it is from a useless subset, it makes no sense at all and Ryan Klesko sucks, the 2003 Topps Opening Day Ryan Klesko is the worst card that was ever made.
Scoring: INT

head full of bed

Player: Dickie Thon
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #258
Errors: Apparently still on MLB probation, player was not issued team hat. Player showed up to stadium on wrong day or wrong city - discovered park empty.
Comments: We join this week’s Uglee Card's 2008 Salute!…to hair criminal trial, already in progress...Let's listen in...

Fancy lawyer man: Your honor, I object! Arguing facts not in evidence! At no point has anyone presented even a single shred of testimony that my client was sleeping directly before he arrived at the ballpark.
In fact, Mr. Thon’s wife testified that my client spent most of the morning in question grooming his expansive, luxurious mustache and eyebrows.
If my esteemed opponent wants to prove a charge of aggravated bed head, she knows that state statute requires hair intent. Her conduct is totally unprofessional.

Fancy lawyer woman: Well, your honor, I object to that characterization!
He knows I have latitude in my cross examination. I think my opponent has gone out of his way to show that his client’s scruffy, disheveled faux-beard is part of a “style.” I’m trying to show that this is more than a case of negligent hat hair. This hair has been teased!

Anyhow, I have a right to question the witness once he takes the stand.
Judge in bathrobe: Thank you, counsel and counsel. I’ll take both your arguments into consideration. But first, I’d like to ask the cat on Mr. Thon’s head a few questions.

Thon’s head: Meow.

Judge in bathrobe: Case closed!

Scoring: F8