All polling is conducted by Uglee Polling Inc., which is a joint subsidiary of Uglee Cards Ltd., and Uglee Technologies Co.
Margin of error on all results is essentially negligible, more or less.
Poll ending Dec. 18, 2008
You've been approached to help with government assistance on the sale of the Cubs. What do you demand in return?
Bring me the head of Domingo Ramos - 9 percent
100 grand in Big League Chew - 33 perent
Box seats at Kaufman Stadium - 9 percent
An appointment as Secretary of Interleague Play - 18 percent
An actual baseball diamond - 30 percent
100 grand in Big League Chew. Make it small, unmarked wads.
Poll ending Dec. 11, 2008
How do you get Orel Hershiser to leave your house?
Varnish the floors - 22 percent
Bring in George Bell to chase him out - 29 percent
Fumigate - 11 percent
Give 'em the ole college try - 18 percent
Foul pole - 22 percent
OK, sure. But then who do you get to chase George Bell out? Jesse Orosco?
Poll ending Dec. 4, 2008
What did you serve at your Thanksgiving baseball dinner?
Catfish Hunter - 7 percent
Bob Tewksberries - 44 percent
Goose Gossage - 22 percent
Billy Beanes - 14 percent
Jim Rice - 11 percent
Tewskberries are magically delicious.
Poll ending Nov. 27, 2008
Who should buy the Cubs?
Mark Cuban - 11 percent
Cuba - 33 percent
The Cuban Missile Crisis - 11 percent
Cuba Gooding Jr. - 25 percent
Oprahbot - 18 percent
Fidel Castro will finally fulfill his dream of playing for a Major League baseball team. Well, close enough.
Poll ending Nov. 20, 2008
Hot Stove League! What's your favorite trade?
Joe Crede for Hans Solo -32 percent
Jake Peavy for Warren Buffet - 11 percent
Randy Johnson for Kiki Cyler - 2 percent
Garrett Atkins for Santa R. Claus - 8 percent
Brian Roberts for Cypress Hill - 44 percent
Inexplicably, Cypress Hill for Brian Roberts is your favorite trade. Who you trying to get crazy with? Don’t you know Brian Roberts is loco?
Poll ending Nov. 13, 2008
How much would you give C.C. Sabathia to pitch for your team?
$500 million for 10 years - 2 percent
$50 billion for 6 years - 0 percent
$5 trillion for the last three games of the season - 5 percent
Omniscience - 20 percent
Canada - 71 percent
More than two-thirds of our voters were willing to swap the great country up north for the country of a man. Of course, omniscience knew they’d vote that way.
Poll ending Nov. 6, 2008
Who will win the World Series next year?
MacGyver - 30 percent
The Smurfs - 23 percent
John McCain - 9 percent
Horace Grant - 23 percent
Other - 11 percent
MacGyver will win the World Series using only the lens of a telescope and a pancake.
Poll ending Oct. 30, 2008
You have two tickets to the World Series. Who ya bringing?
Joe the Plumber - 20 percent
Bob the Builder - 28 percent
Horatio the Gentle Musician - 30 percent
Dennis the Federal Inmate - 5 percent
Sam the Great - 5 percent
Wally the Insignificant - 35 percent
As the Phillies celebrated, Horatio played a soothing ballad and Wally - insignificant no more - wet himself.
Poll ending Oct. 23, 2008
So, when will the Cubs win the World Series?
Never - 14 percent
Not ever - 9 percent
One day after not going to happen - 37 percent
Flying pig day - 16 percent
Hell's winter - 12 percent
I'll get back to you - 9 percent
Naga… naga… nagannahappen, that’s for sure.
Poll ending Oct. 16, 2008
Which baseball issue would you like to see the presidential candidates address in their next debate?
Designated hitter - 16 percent
Instant replay - 6 percent
The Cubs - 16 percent
Nacho prices - 18 percent
Nicknames that are "player's initial-Rod" - 38 percent
The squeeze play - 6 percent
You asked, they answered. McCain proposes an immediate "initial-Rod" freeze. Obama proposes "initial-Rod" cuts for 95 percent of major leaguers.
Poll ending Oct. 9, 2008
______ the Mets.
Forget - 27 percent
Shred - 22 percent
Disband - 29 percent
Love - 6 percent
Forgive - 13 percent
Say it ain't so, Joe (Smith). Uglee Card Nation chooses to disband the Mets and merge the remaining players with the Cincinntucky Purple Stockings.
Poll ending Oct. 2, 2008
Who should be the real, legitimate all-time major league home run leader?
Darrell Evans (414 career homers) - 17 percent
Joe Adcock (336 homers) - 15 percent
Rudy York (277 homers) - 2 percent
Chet Lemon (215 homers) - 23 percent
Kevin McReynolds (211 homers) - 25 percent
Claudell Washington (164 homers) 15 percent
What do you have against Rudy York? Well, never mind - move over Mr. Bonds. K-Mac has been crowned the new King!
Poll ending Sept. 25, 2008
How evil is Manny Ramirez?
Gargamel Evil - 33 percent
Old Russia Evil - 13 percent
Lex Luthor Evil - 11 perent
Cobra Kai Evil - 30 percent
Ivan Drago Evil - 11 percent
I hate that smurfing smurfer Manny Ramirez!
Poll ending Sept. 18, 2008
Zimmer Summer - 6 percent
Zimmer Zoner - 12 percent
Zimmer Bummer - 6 percent
Zimmer Dinner - 32 percent
Zimmer Zapper - 48 percent
Zim on. Zap off. Zim on, zap off. The Zimmer.
Poll ending Sept. 11, 2008
Which baseball accomplishment is most rare?
Inside the national park home run. - 10 percent
Hitting for the rinse cycle. - 24 percent
Suicide pact squeeze. - 51 percent
Unassisted triple playStation. - 10 percent
Perfect Games magazine. - 2 percent
"Here's the bunt! The runner's coming in. And...oh my...both the batter and runner have taken cyanide pills. Very tragic."
Poll ending Sept. 4, 2008
If you were forced to live in Wrigley Field for a year, where would you set up camp?
Bleacher basket bed - 20 percent
Urinal trough - 10 percent
In scoreboard: third row; American League visitors; third inning - 40 percent
Amid the ivy - 25 percent
Aisle 4, Row 8, Seat 113 - 5 percent
Have fun in the scoreboard. We’ll take the Bartman seat.
Poll ending Aug. 28, 2008
Which baseball movie must be made?
Weekend at Bernie Williams's - 32 percent
Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean - 28 percent
Kangaroo Jack Morris - 17 percent
Mr. Bryn Smith Goes To Washington - 8 percent
Saving Private B.J. Ryan - 15 percent
Seven: The Story of Paul Householder - 8 percent
With Jonathan Silverman as Paul O’Neill and Jaleel White as Bernie Williams.
Poll ending Aug. 21, 2008
What should MLB’s punishment be for not hustling?
Have both legs amputated by angry mob. - 5 percent
Required to read "Respect For The Game" by John Kruk. - 37 percent
Walk the Pirates plank. - 8 percent
Spend the remainder of season on spit clean up. - 5 percent
Two weeks, no cup. - 42 percent
This may not work. Statistics show almost two-thirds of Major League ballplayers already don’t wear cups.
Poll ending Aug. 14, 2008
What baseball stat would you like add to the back of baseball cards?
OPSCUBA (On base and slugging underwater) - 12 percent
WHIPDA (walks and hits per public display of affection) - 4 percent
SLGNP (slugging divided by salary's portion of gross national product) - 32 percent
ERAWOL (earned runs allowed on pitches that can't be located) - 12 percent
LIPSANFU (choking average in late inning pressure situations) - 40 percent
Sadly, this statistic is not recognized by Bill James.
Poll ending July 31, 2008
Why isn’t this poll question changing?
It was mentioned in the Mitchell report. - 6 percent
It's tagging up. - 24 percent
Balk! That's a balk! - 36 percent
Trying to hold on until the trading deadline. - 18 percent
All-Star break! - 14 percent
If this poll ever falls behind again, you have permission to beat the balk out of us.
Poll ending July 10, 2008
George Washington is to Independence Day, as ...
The Tampa Bay Rays are to Christmas - 22 percent
Tim Wakefield is to Flag Day - 5 percent
Middle relievers are to Mother's Day - 22 percent
Fenway Park is to Secretary's Day - 8 percent
Warren Spahn is to Wednesday - 41 percent
If Spahn is Wednesday, that must mean Johnny Sain is Thursday. Or Tuesday. You can never be sure.
Poll ending July 3, 2008
You just bought the Seattle Mariners, which of these G.M.'s will you hire to be your GM?
Happy Days creator Garry Marshall - 30 percent
80s rocker George Michael - 15 percent
Former Cubs outfield Gary Matthews - 6 percent
Auto company General Motors - 15 percent
300-game winner Greg Maddox - 21 percent
NBA Hall of Famer George Mikan - 12 percent
The Fonz will be vice president in charge of player whoa. Penny Marshall will serve as traveling secretary.
Poll ending June 26, 2008
Which one of these Hall-of-Fame eligible players will you vote for in 2009?
Steve Avery - 9 percent
Jay Bell - 12 percent
Todd Hundley - 3 percent
Denny Neagle - 6 percent
Jesse Orosco - 16 percent
Greg Vaughn - 9 percent
I choose death - 41 percent
Death fails to receive the required 75 percent of the BBWAA votes needed for election. So, just Rickey Henderson then.
Poll ending June 19, 2008
What’s the best way to get moisture for a spit ball?
Collect a jar of Kevin Youkilis' head sweat. - 32 percent
Pretzel cheese is a suitable substitute for spit. - 22 percent
You're a big leaguer! Get someone in your posse to do it. - 12 percent
Hide the spit in your nail file. Casually apply during mound manicure. - 16 percent
Rear back and hock it. - 16 percent
Youkilis sweat is a rare and precious commodity. It’s trading at $3.44 per gallon on the New York Board of Trade.
Poll ending June 12, 2008
What should be next week’s question?
What should you never do while balking? 22 percent
Who has the most WILL power? - 5 percent
What's Joe Morgan's middle name? - 27 percent
If you were forced to live in Wrigley Field for a year, where would you set up camp? - 12 percent What's the best way to get moisture for a spitball? - 32 percent
Surprisingly, readers are not interested in voting on the subtle differences between Will Clark and George Will.
Poll ending June 5, 2008
Should there be instant replay in baseball?
That wasn't really Randy Johnson. It was a fake! - 3 percent
Insta-Lasorda - 42 percent
The quadruple steal - 15 percent
Jesse Orosco from the high dive - 30 percent
Pride of the Yankees - 11 percent
Was it a home run or not? Shake Insta-Lasorda and you'll have your answer in six seconds!
Poll ending May 29, 2008
Assuming there's no strike or Saturn attack, who's the favorite to win the 2109 NL Central?
Cincinnati Benevolent Monkey Overlords - 16 percent
Chicago Winfreys - 16 percent
Milwaukee Space Tattoos - 0 percent
New Houston Name Censored By Public Protection Committee - 14 percent
St. Louis Fallen Arches - 10 percent
Superburgh www.hipstercasino.coms - 41 percent
Since the team's no longer the pits, Ken Griffey XII and the hipstercasinos should win easily - bet on it!
Poll ending May 22, 2008
When does a fair ball become foul?
After it doesn't return your calls for a week - 11 percent
After it hits on your sister - 25 percent
After it sits on the kitchen counter for three days - 16 percent
After it rolls under Don Zimmer's bed - 23 percent
After it gets dissed by Orel Hershiser- 23 percent
Any baseball that hits on my sister deserves to get smacked by Vlad Guerrero. Or tackled by Zim.
Poll ending May 15, 2008
Mickey or Mackey?
Mickey Cochrane - 6 percent
Mackey Sasser - 32 percent
Mickey Mantle - 23 percent
Biz Mackey - 9 percent
Mickey Tettleton - 27 percent
Mickey who? Our peeps love the original Mack Daddy, Mr. Sasser.
Poll ending May 8, 2008
Which mascot is least racially offensive?
Mr. Met - 26 percent
Phillie Phanatic - 24 percent
Bernie Brewer - 5 percent
Fredbird 12 percent
Mariner Moose - 16 percent
Rally Monkey - 13 percent
Call off the protests. Mr. Met's unusually large head is not so appalling after all.
Poll ending May 1, 2008
Least effective third base coach chatter?
"Hey batta. Pitcher's got acne." - 5 percent
"Let's go now. No pregnancies. C'mon." - 32 percent
"Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips saaawing batta." - 18 percent
"Zombies stole my soul. Bunt!" - 25 percent
"OK, gotta work it. Snow White in row seven." - 18 percent
It’s official. Nearly one-third of deadspin readers do not want to hear Jose Oquendo talking about childbirth.
Poll ending April 24, 2008
Elston - 23 percent
Ryan - 15 percent
Moe - 30 percent
Johnson - 3 percent
Frank - 26 percent
Now, batting clean up for the Nyuksville Wise Guys, Mooooooe Howard!
Poll ending April 17, 2008
Which team's 1984 baseball slogan was least effective?
Mets: Let's dispose of the Expos! - 44 percent
Cubs: Durham? But I hardly know this fellow you want me to Dur! - 0 percent
Royals: Gubicza and Black, then pray for flack. - 27 percent
Mariners: They win or Spike Owens swims the English Channel. - 11 percent
Reds: We're not commies. Honestly. - 16 percent
And a brief 21 years later, that slogan came true. When Keith Hernandez threw Tim Raines in the Hudson River.
Poll ending April 10, 2008
What baseball term are you the most uncomfortable saying in front of your grandmother?
Base on balls - 9 percent
Balk - 3 percent
Getting to third base - 6 percent
Touch’em all - 3 percent
Dickie Thon - 56 percent
Bringing the lumber - 21 percent
Cover your ears grandma! "Is that Dickie Thon in your lineup or are you just happy to be batting? "
Poll ending April 3, 2008
How are you celebrating Manny Trillo week?
Break dancing - 19 percent
Manntasizing - 23 percent
Hunger strike - 4 percent
Using the phrase: "Trillo out." - 33 percent
Manny Trillo skin suit - 19 percent
Starting the MTWeek 2009 countdown! - 0 percent
What else can we say, except for Trillo Out!
(Just 51 weeks until MTWeek 2009...Spaces filling fast.)
Poll ending March 27, 2008
Which former baseball team should be brought back?
Montreal Expos - 30 percent
Cincinntucky Purple Stockings - 13 percent
Bad News Bears - 21 percent
Houston Colt 45s - 30 percent
New York Highlanders - 4 percent
Readers demand the Colt 45s and Expos be given new life. Rusty Staub would be so proud.
Poll ending March 20, 2008
Which spring training prank is most likely to draw the ire of manager Jim Leyland?
Donkey in locker - 33 percent
Switching lineup card with Foldgers Crystals - 16 percent
Sticking matchbook in cleat, lighting car on fire - 16 percent
Exploding jockstrap - 16 percent
Marijuana outfield - 25 percent
Ah, the old donkey in the locker gag. The very reason Will Pennyfeather was blacklisted from Major League Baseball.
Poll ending March 13, 2008
Before rubbing flaxseed oil became the rage, what was the preferred way to get steroids?
Dabbled on cornflakes - 35 percent
Telepathy - 7 percent
Stitched into uniform - 14 percent
Mixed with hair gel - 14 percent
Inference - 28 percent
The doctors at Uglee Medical Staff Inc., cannot specifically recommend steroids on your cornflakes. But they're not not recommending it either, if you get the drift. Which you do.
Poll ending March 6, 2008
Least popular baseball nickname?
Oil Can - 40 percent
Whitey - 20 percent
Nook - 10 percent
Cranny - 10 percent
A-Rodney - 10 percent
Megan - 30 percent
The tin man would be proud. 'Oil Can' is officially baseball's least popular nickname!
Poll ending Feb. 28, 2008
What’s your toupee made of?
Grass - 20 percent
Astroturf - 20 percent
Warning track paint - 20 percent
Infield dirt - 0 percent
Pine tar - 80 percent
Doctors agree: 80 percent of fake hair is made of tasty pine tar!
Poll ending Feb. 21, 2008
Which former president would have made the best second baseman on your fantasy team?
Millard Fillmore - 12 percent
Abraham Lincoln - 0 percent
Franklin Pierce - 37 percent
Rutherford B. Hayes - 50 percent
Jimmy Carter - 12 percent
For the second time in 132 years, Rutherford B. Hayes wins by one vote!
Poll ending Feb. 14, 2008
PNC - 40 percent
Take me out to the ball - 40 percent
Chan Ho - 60 percent
AT&T - 0 percent
Dave (er) - 20 percent
Congratulations to Chan Ho Park for his first significant win in many years.
Poll ending Feb. 7, 2008
Sambito - 41 percent
DiMaggio - 33 percent
Cronin - 0 percent
Borowski - 16 percent
McEwing - 33 percent
Congratulations to Long Island native Joe Sambito!
Poll ending Feb. 1, 2008
Joe Carter - 25 percent
Montreal Expos - 50 percent
Skydome - 0 percent
Bryn Smith - 33 percent
Hubie Brooks - 33 percent
Viva Les Expos!