Thursday, July 31, 2008

previously on

Player: Oscar Azocar
Card: 1991 Topps #659
Errors: Player was not issued an official Yankee uniform, rather a souvenir t-shirt. Player might have spent a little less time with the circus tricks, a little more time in the batting cage. Player has stage fright - waits to perform until stadium is evacuated.
Comments: Last week on "Yankee Island"...
After a terrible month of June, 35 castaways found themselves stranded in Yankee Stadium, without electricity, running water, bathrooms, a radio, food, hair brushes, a simple patch for their shipwrecked boat, a movie star, Mary Ann, heat, or air-conditioning.
As each Stranded Yank uses his or her strengths to try to rescue the team, their weakness threaten to strand them for good.
Things look grim for Deion Sanders, Matt Nokes and Kevin Maas, who all disappear in the mysterious Steinbrenner Haze that hangs over the dugout. Have they vanished forever?
Normally best friends, 'The Daves' - Eiland and LaPoint - find themselves in a bitter disagreement over whose mother makes the best brownies. Will these former allies be able to put aside their differences to help the squad?
Meanwhile, catcher Bob Geren faces a personal crisis: Does becoming a man mean leaving his old friends behind? Or is there room in his life for both new friends and old pals?
At the same time, Don Mattingly and Steve Balboni's mustaches become inadvertently intertwined, threatening the safety and camaraderie on the Island.
With time running out on the Stranded Yanks, left fielder Oscar Azocar fashions a rudimentary signaling device to call for help. The bubbling beakers and flashing electrical currents he normally uses in his very scientific, high-tech lab are not available, so Azocar must return to his roots. Using only two bats and an ordinary Rawlings baseball, Azocar sends out a distress signal. Dot, dot, dot. Dash, dash, dash. Dot, dot, dot.
Will anyone hear his call? Can anyone separate the mustaches? Are there any brownies left?
Find out on this week's exciting episode of...."Yankeeeeeeee Island!"
Scoring: 1-5-3

Thursday, July 24, 2008

and it's tasty, too

Player: John Wathan
Card: 1986 Topps #556
Errors: Another in the collection of fabulous light blue Major League baseball uniforms. Player may be practicing bunting with the donut still on.
John Wathan's special baseball donut recipe
Serves four; about 8 minutes cooking time

One (1) cup all-purpose flour
One-half (1/2) cup sugar
One (1) level tablespoon double acting baking powder
One-half (1/2) cup of milk
One-quarter (1/4) teaspoon of ginger
One (1) wooden bat

Mix flour, sugar, baking powder and milk in large mixing bowl. When ingredients are thoroughly mixed - and Lonnie Smith has grounded out - pour onto baking sheet.
While Onix Concepcion is stepping up to the plate, roll into 5-inch long strip. Fold strip into circle, until in shape of "donut" and Darryl Motley is on third.
Cook for 23 seconds on 450 degrees, or until Steve Balboni gets picked off first.
Remove crispy brown donut while Mark Gubicza warms up.
Shove donut onto bat and eat in the on-deck circle!
Scoring: CS 2-5

Thursday, July 17, 2008

in the year 3000....

Player: Jerry Augustine
Card: 1982 Fleer #133
Errors: That's either a mirror, or a small ghost player in the haze. There's a finger sticking out of that guy's glove! Cool spacesuit.
Comments: In the future, baseball will be a very different game.
The players will literally float between the bases and can be tagged out, forced out, or beamed up.
There will no more human umpires, only computers that call balls and strikes, safe or out. Also, the computer umpires will have the power to kill.
Women will play alongside men, but only in the National League West.
After Android Bud Selig legalizes all performance enhancing substances except for pancake batter, 14 players die from injecting pancake batter into their arms.
Ads will be digitally superimposed on the hats of all spectators in the first six rows.
Fans will still be allowed to keep foul balls that go into the stands, but anyone who catches a foul ball will be charged a $4.50 recipient's fee by Major League Baseball.
Players will all wear light blue, one-piece space uniforms with tiny yellow belts.
Any celebrity who has a movie coming out with expected box office of more than $300 million (U.S.) will recieve one at-bat during interleague night games.
The home run derby will no longer be a long ball contest. It will literally be players running home, trying to escape the killer robot umpires.
Scoring: FO7

Thursday, July 10, 2008

regular and extra strength

Player: Joey McLaughlin
Card: 1984 Topps #556
Errors: Player woke up late, wore his light blue pajamas to the game. Player may have stolen Tom Henke's glasses. The promotion for tonight's game: all blurry fans half price. Player has a finger sticking out of his glove!
Comments: Fellas, how often have you gotten drunk, shaved your head, then had to show up bald at the construction site for six weeks? Ladies, that bad perm you got at a discount salon - should it really take two months before you can straighten your bangs again?
For years, men and women have suffered with slow growing hair. Well, never again with Insta-Shag!
Hair help has arrived and it's fast!
Insta-Shag guarantees to grow your hair 4,000% faster than normal. Using our patented microfibers and the latest in biomedical chemistry engineering we can have you hairy in less than an hour. It's that fast!
How do we do it? Our scientists worked for almost a month to find the perfect blend of natural ingredients and powerful chemicals. It uses the most innovative follicle acceleration compounds allowed under international treaties. Just rub Insta-Shag onto any area that needs growth, then wait for the hair to pour out. (Warning: wear gloves or your palms will be too hairy to hide! It's just that powerful!)
Don't believe us? Maybe you'll take the word of Major League pitcher Joey McLaughlin:
"On May 30, we had a big game against the Detroit. We were tied for first place and needed a win. (Manager) Bobby Cox called on me in the eighth inning, with the team up 2-0. I pitched great, striking out Herndon, Parrish and Wilson. When we scored two more runs in the top of the ninth, coach took me out. Everyone thought we had the game clinched!
But the Tigers scored four in the bottom of the ninth to tie up the game! Coach was stuck because we had no pitchers left. Dave Stieb was at his daughter's communion. Doyle Alexander had pitched the night before. Jim Acker had been attacked by a bear two nights earlier, and the trainers weren't ready to test his arm.
That's when I remembered I had some Insta-Shag in my locker. I ran into the clubhouse, rubbed some on and within three minutes I had a fully grown beard! Cox put me in again, telling the umpire my name was Moe JaGaughlin. Thanks to Insta-Shag they never knew the difference! Whitaker popped out, then after walking Gibson, I got Herndon and Cabell to ground out. The ball that Cabell hit was so covered in hair, it barely cleared the pitcher's mound!
We were in first place. I got the win, but Insta-Shag gets the save! Thanks Insta-Shag!"
Still don't believe us? Try Insta-Shag for three months and if you're not completely satisfied will send you another month's supply - absolutely free! Where else will you find that?
Insta-Shag can also be used to grow hair on dogs, turtles, Corvettes or bicycle racks. It is available in most Oscos, CVS stores and Hallmarks.
You'll soon be able to try Un-Shag, our hair growth inhibitor, which puts a burn so severe into the first three layers of skin you'll never grow hair again! (Use only under doctor's supervision. May cause death in rare instances.)
Scoring: 9-6-2

Thursday, July 3, 2008

the hunchback of middle infielders

Player: Jeff Treadway
Card: 1991 Fleer #707
Errors: Kids, that's no way to field a grounder - always get in front of the ball. Is he playing baseball in a meadow? Again, thank you Fleer for a set of blindingly yellow posed baseball cards.
Incident: Aggravated fielding
Time: 23:11
Date: 7.3.1990
Location: Meadow bordering Chalmers St. and Howell Ave.
Suspect: Jeff Treadway, 1/22/1963, 521 Capitol Ave., Atlanta, GA, m/w, 170 lbs, 5ft11, hair brown, eyes closed, posture poor, wearing blue hat, blue shirt, high gray pants, no tattoos or identifying marks
Summary: At above time and location, I, Offc. John DeMerit #29, was called to the scene of an aggravated fielding incident. Victim Herb Moford (8/6/1928, 12301 Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, NY, m/w, 6'1'', 175, hair brown, eyes hazel with specks of green) reported that he was having a picnic in a meadow near his home when he was approached by suspect Treadway, whom he did not know and was not enemies with.
Suspect Treadway was slumped over, yelling, "I am quasimodo. Throw me a grounder. I am quasimodo! Toss me a little pepper!"
Suspect's comments caused victim Moford to become alarmed and disturbed, as he was with his fiancee and feared for her physical safety.
In a calm manner, Moford gave suspect Treadway verbal instructions to leave the area. Suspect Treadway continued to advance toward picnic area and continued to verbally yell. When he reached picnic, suspect Treadway stepped on victim's fruit salad and silverware. Suspect Treadway then scooped up an orange and threw it at victim Moford, who was able to avoid contact with the projectile. Total loss was estimated at $8.50.
Victim Moford and fiancee fled the area northbound on Howell Ave and contacted authorities from Ken's Dollar Store, 1037 Howell Ave.
When officers arrived, suspect Treadway was slumped over, trying to scoop up ducks in his baseball glove.
At 23:45 hrs, I contacted state's attorney's office. ASA Cliff Cook approved charges of felony aggravated fielding and misdemeanor water fowl harassment within 1000 feet of a school.
Scoring: 7-4