pencils down

Players: Larry Walker, Darren Daulton
Card: 1993 Fleer #715
Errors: Why aren't investigative reporters looking into the proliferation beer ads on baseball cards? Also, what is the connection between these two players? Marl...Marl...Marl-what?
Comments:
SECTION FOUR: VOCABULARY COMPREHENSION
You will have sixteen (16) minutes to complete the following questions. Each question will have only one correct answer. Be sure to color in the oval completely, without going outside the borders. Proctors cannot answer questions about this section of the exam.
You may begin.

1. Larry Walker's head is to Darren Daulton's head; as a golf ball is to:
a) A tennis ball
b) The Earth
c) A cement block
d) Domingo Ramos

2. Expos are to pterodactyls; as Seattle Pilots are to:
a) Bump Wills
b) The Kingdome
c) Washington (state)
d) The Colt .45's

3. Gold chains are to totally awesome; as Super Star Specials are to:
a) monolithic
b) dudical
c) inaccurate
d) Domingo Ramos

4. Darren Daulton's mullet is to business in the front, party in the back; as Darren Daulton's Robocop jaw is to:
a) I'll be back.
b) Holy cow!
c) The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!
d) All of the above.

5. Fleer is to gray borders; as MLB logos are to:
a) Script writing
b) Dotting i's with stars
c) Pinstripes do not make you look thinner
d) Misdirected Canadian patriotism

6. Larry Walker is to Darren Daulton; as Bert is to:
a) Ernie
b) Blyleven
c) rubber duckie
d) Domingo Ramos

Scoring: CS1-2

sign on the dotted line

Player: Junior Noboa

Card: 1991 Topps #182

Errors: Player put tape on hairy arms - that is going to hurt coming off. Player appears to be wearing McDonald's brand batting gloves. That can't be a real Major League uniform. Player not making eye contact with autograph recipient.

Comments:

"Mister! Mister! Can you sign my scorecard?"

"Sure kid, no problem."

My first autograph request! Five years in the show and finally a break!

OK, stay calm. Focus, Junior. You can do this. Fear is not an option in the bigs. You are a champion. A lion.

C'mon! Your wrists are taped, you got on the suuh-weet uni and you're a pro athlete. You can do anything that you set your mind to, Junior. Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.

OK, here we go...Wait.

What should I sign? Junior Noboa? J. Noboa? J.N. 4eva? That's stupid. How about my real name: Milciades Arturo Diaz Noboa. Yeah, and then maybe put Junior in the middle, with some quotation marks. This kid will love it! You da man, Junior. You're a tiger, a puma.

Wait. Maybe I should do a little more. Anybody can just sign their name. Heck, this dumb, ugly could kid probably could have signed my name. He'd probably even spell it right. I got to do something a little special. OK, how about: Milciades Arturo Diaz "Junior" Noboa, 2B, Expos.

Ugh. Why would I write that? He knows what position I play! He's got the damn scorecard in his hand! Pathetic. C'mon Junior, pull it together. Write something inspirational.

Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Never take a wooden nickel. Nice - that's it. Kids today probably don't even know about wooden nickels anymore. OK. "Milciades Arturo Diaz "Junior" Noboa, 2B, Expos. Don't take any wooden nickels." Yeah, real smooth.

Wait. That makes no sense. How can I tell this kid about nickels when I make thousands of dollars and he probably had to scrape together a week's pay - maybe even kill a man - just to get his tickets. It's like I'm rubbing my wealth in the kid's face. He'll probably be so mad, he'll kill again. Then I'll be an accessory to murder. Great. Going to prison.

Damn, why did I tell this kid I would sign his scorecard? Let's see, maybe...

"Hey, mister? Mister? Never mind, mister. I mean...um, thanks for trying and all, but I gotta go. But not because you're taking so long. Uh, no, that's not it. It's just that Tim Wallach looks really lonely over there and, well, nobody likes a lonely Wallach. So, you see, that's why I have to leave. See ya."
Scoring: WP, WP, WP, WP

long haired freaky people need not apply

Players: Pascual and Melido Perez
Cards: 1990 Fleer #358, 1990 Donruss #BC-13
Errors: Since his hair is unable to be contained by MLB hat, Pascual has also chosen to wear standard-issue white T and a jacket sized for little leaguer. Furthermore, he steals pens.
According to numbering, Melido's no hitter took place 13 years before the birth of Jesus. Also, apparently the 1990 baseball season contained no highlights greater than a rain-shortened 6-inning no hitter.
Comments: Attention. Ahem. Attention. Graduates, please. Take your seats. Sir! That squirt gun will be confiscated!
I'd like to welcome you all to the 2008 Uglee Cards Salute!...to hair graduation ceremony. It's been a long month and there were trying times. I can only thank Vidal Sassoon that we didn't see Jeff Parrett's chest hair.
We've gathered here today to honor all of you: Dave. Steve. Dickie. What you accomplished on the field is surpassed only by the vociferous hair-related endorsement contracts you have earned.
All we can say is: Thank you.
To honor your work, we've invited two very important people to this afternoon's ceremony.
They come to us straight from the Dominican Republic's House of Style.
Of course, they are brothers to each other. But I think during this long month they have also become brothers to much of the staff here. I know just the other day Dr. Ashburn remarked: "I'd no sooner jab a pen in his side than my own brother."
So, before they deliver their synchronized commencement addresses, I'd like to say a few words about Pascual and Melido Perez. And their hair.
Pascual, your scowl at fans stupefied and dumbfounded us at first. We wanted to ask: why the hatred while you're writing a number on your glove? But, as fast as we could ask, you'd answer: "This is not even my glove."
Well, done sir. Well done. You are so wise. Your hanging hair of Bablyon has given you many brain muscles.
Melido, your flowing, but somewhat sticky, locks dazzled the Yankees for six hitless innings. We can only imagine the various illegal substances you hid in plain sight, causing the ball to dip, dive and curve with a well-groomed panache.
Although the official scorers later disqualified your feat, you can be sure you've earned a place in our hearts, and hopefully the alumni donation book.
So, without further ado, on this beautiful and historic day, I present Melido and Pascual Perez.
Wild applause...
Scoring: 5-4-2