man's best friend

Player: Bob Keegan
Card: 1957 Topps #99
Errors: The players has finished his pitching motion, but is still clutching the baseball for some reason. Player appears to be standing in fair territory, but he's pitching from the outfield.
Comments:
We have gathered here in the presence of God and American League president William Harridge to witness the joining of Bob Keegan and his baseball. If anyone knows of any reason that Bob and his baseball should be parted, speak now, or at least give the bunt sign to the ushers.
Seeing none, I will proceed.
Do you, Bob Keegan, take this baseball to be your constant companion; to have and hold from this windup forward; for pictures and for game situations; for blowouts, for no hitters; in first place and in last; to love and to cherish on the tips of your fingers; from this day forward until your right arms falls off?
"I do."
And do you, Rawlings Official Major League Baseball, take Bob to have and be held by; from this windup forward; for fastball grips and split fingers; for curves, for knucklers; in foul territory and fair; to love and to cherish; even when he holds you long after the pitch should have already been thrown?
"I do."
Then, by the power vested in me by the false leg of Bill Veeck, I now pronounce you man and ball. You may now kiss the ball, although it will be ruled a balk and the groomsmen can advance.
Scoring: 4-5-6-5-6-2

long haired freaky people need not apply

Players: Pascual and Melido Perez
Cards: 1990 Fleer #358, 1990 Donruss #BC-13
Errors: Since his hair is unable to be contained by MLB hat, Pascual has also chosen to wear standard-issue white T and a jacket sized for little leaguer. Furthermore, he steals pens.
According to numbering, Melido's no hitter took place 13 years before the birth of Jesus. Also, apparently the 1990 baseball season contained no highlights greater than a rain-shortened 6-inning no hitter.
Comments: Attention. Ahem. Attention. Graduates, please. Take your seats. Sir! That squirt gun will be confiscated!
I'd like to welcome you all to the 2008 Uglee Cards Salute!...to hair graduation ceremony. It's been a long month and there were trying times. I can only thank Vidal Sassoon that we didn't see Jeff Parrett's chest hair.
We've gathered here today to honor all of you: Dave. Steve. Dickie. What you accomplished on the field is surpassed only by the vociferous hair-related endorsement contracts you have earned.
All we can say is: Thank you.
To honor your work, we've invited two very important people to this afternoon's ceremony.
They come to us straight from the Dominican Republic's House of Style.
Of course, they are brothers to each other. But I think during this long month they have also become brothers to much of the staff here. I know just the other day Dr. Ashburn remarked: "I'd no sooner jab a pen in his side than my own brother."
So, before they deliver their synchronized commencement addresses, I'd like to say a few words about Pascual and Melido Perez. And their hair.
Pascual, your scowl at fans stupefied and dumbfounded us at first. We wanted to ask: why the hatred while you're writing a number on your glove? But, as fast as we could ask, you'd answer: "This is not even my glove."
Well, done sir. Well done. You are so wise. Your hanging hair of Bablyon has given you many brain muscles.
Melido, your flowing, but somewhat sticky, locks dazzled the Yankees for six hitless innings. We can only imagine the various illegal substances you hid in plain sight, causing the ball to dip, dive and curve with a well-groomed panache.
Although the official scorers later disqualified your feat, you can be sure you've earned a place in our hearts, and hopefully the alumni donation book.
So, without further ado, on this beautiful and historic day, I present Melido and Pascual Perez.
Wild applause...
Scoring: 5-4-2

flow it, show it, long as god can grow it

Player: Steve Trout
Card: 1981 Topps #552
Errors: Player may have caught Tom Henke Disease. Despite Major League pedigree, player has rookie-ball haircut. At least one fan (right, in yellow) decided to flee stadium rather than face hair/eyewear combo.
Comments: Welcome to Uglee Card's 2008 Salute!...to hair.
This month we will be celebrating the Hairy Scarys of MLB.
Making fun of a guy's height, his nose, his parents? Not cool. There's nothing he could do about that stuff; he was born into it.
But we can all go to the barber. Or, at least, lend our sister a pair of scissors.
Because when you make it to The Show, it's time for a Major League Buzz.
But Steve Trout never had a Crash Davis to teach him that. Instead, we're left with this candid picture, captured as Steve watched a hot dog vendor fall from the upper deck. In this graphic image, you can see all Trout's hair-related emotions: The embarrassment. The shame. The horror.
Or...um...at least you could see those feelings in his eyes. You know, if he wasn't wearing high-tech Sun Blocker 6000 glasses.
Well, 1981 Steve Trout, we here at Uglee Card salute you.
You are hereby awarded our first annual honorary: "Dave Coulier Shaggy Dog 'Do" Plaque. Wear it with pride, buddy.
Scoring: FO2

paint by win-loss numbers

Player: Dave LaPoint
Card: 1988 Topps #334
Errors: High school yearbook photo used on Major League baseball card. Topps hired 12 photographers, but 13 painters. Player is being kept in some sort of cage.
Comments: LC: Good evening, and welcome to Card Chatter. I'm you're host Larry Chiti. Today we're going to be talking with David Throneberry, a "field recreation artist" with Topps. Do I have that title right?
DT: Yes, or field recreationist for short. I'm honored to be here. I just hope that my work - my passion, really - can bring a little bit of insight into the art of cards for your readers, viewers and listeners. Really, I'm here to learn as much as give.
LC: Okay, well, we're glad you could make it. I guess I'd like to start with your latest work. You call it DAVE LaPOINT WHITE SOX. It's...well, I'll let you describe it.
DT: Thank you for asking that vital question about what I think is a vibrant piece of art. I guess I should start by telling you how I work. For that particular piece, I spent days interviewing the friends, relatives and former lovers of Mr. LaPOINT. I was careful never to speak with the player himself. In this way, I kept neutrality in my work. If I had met him and we had become friends - traded MySpace addresses, talked about fishing - then I may not have been able to see the DAVE LaPOINT as the world sees him.
And, Lawrence, that's the point of a baseball card, isn't it? To hold a mirror up to the game, then let it reflect on the bleachers and the sky boxes?
LC: Well, okay. It's just that...well, I want to show our audience another card from the 1988 Topps oeuvre. It's a Greg Walker card from the same year. It's not one of yours, but I think it shows an interesting counterpoint. Can the audience see that there?
Audience: Yes! We! Can! Wooo!
LC: Good, good. Well, I guess my point in showing this Walker card is...well, take a look at the uniform Walker is wearing. It's the home uniform, but it serves my point. Notice where the "White Sox" is positioned. Right about nipple level.
But on your recreation - one where you were detailed enough to add a prominent button - you put the "Chicago" very high on the player's chest. We can't see it here, but the 'O' would have been on his shoulder.
DT: Thank you. Thank you.
Honestly, that's all I can say - thank you.
Finally, someone who understands. That arrangement came about because of a little anecdote I picked up from LaPOINT's high school baseball coach. In talking to this man, I understood how much LaPOINT's success meant to him. So, the button represents that small-town-boy-makes-good-while-wearing-the-town's-hopes-on-his-chest-and-doesn't-lose-touch-with-his-roots-no-matter-how-big-the-stadium-is feel. There's a post-World War II life in the card.
LC: But it looks nothing like the real White Sox jersey. The hat is well-recreated, but the jersey adds details in distorted ways.
DT: Exactly. That's the challenge behind the card. That's the mystery behind playing Major League baseball. This man was traded for Rollie Fingers AND Matt Nokes. Trading men. Imagine. But through it all, LaPOINT wasn't forgotten by Glen Falls, New York, Raging Rapids head baseball coach John Cocroft. And he wasn't forgotten by Katie Williams, the Glen Falls, New York, soda girl with pink nail polish. This recreation says that. All of it. Plus some. The audience sees that in their hearts.
LC: Wow. That's all the time we have. That's all the time we'll ever have.
Scoring: 6-5

he slices, he dices

Player: Jerry Reuss
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #151
Errors: Pants number. Is that ear hair? Picture taken during mass evacuation of stadium. Baseball player completing karate chop.
Comments: The fact that Jerry Reuss (pronounced "mil-ler") pitched for more than 20 years in the big leagues is a testament to his durability, attention to detail and strict fish-head diet. Though frequently overshadowed even on his own team, Reuss was a steady presence in the rotation, earning appearances in two All-Star games and tossing a no-hitter in 1980. Plus, he was the second pitcher ever to win 200 games without winning 20 in a single season.
Despite that success, tragically, Reuss will always be best remembered for 1988, when he put together one of the most unusual statistical seasons in Major League history.
While baseball historians and Billy Crystal have debated for years what led to this bizarre anomaly - Alignment of the stars? Weak minor league development skill programs combined with a gradual expansion of the left-side strike zone? Too much steak? - it's probably best to let the stats speak for themselves. Then you, the fans, can be the final judge.
1988
JERRY REUSS * P * WHITE SOX
h: 6-5 * w: 227 * h: L * t: L
b: 6-19-49 St. Louis, Mo.
Wins: 13
Losses: 9
Earned run average: 3.44
Games: 32
Complete games: 2
Wood boards: 6,575
Bricks: 876
Shut outs: 0
Sleeper holds: 18
International spy assassinations: 1
Saves: 0
Innings pitched: 183
Runs: 79
Put him in a body bag: Yeah, Johnny, yeah!
Earned runs: 70
Subscriptions sold to Teen Kick, the magazine for young ninjas: 7
Hits: 183
Wild pitches: 3
Viper strikes: 5
Hit by pitch: 3
Belts: red, mauve, black
Walks: 43
Strikeouts: 73
Scoring: 2-1

size matters

Player: Bobby Knoop
Card: 1971 Topps #506
Errors: Playing in front of one (blurry) fan. Player wearing a light blue uniform, with matching belt. Player wearing long sleeve shirt at spring training.
Comments: Facts: Patient is Major League baseball player. Came in to office today (8/5/70) complaining of declining batting average, reduced power. Feels inadequate at the plate.
History: Player started career with California Angels, finishing 24th, then 18th in MVP voting in his second and third seasons. Those years were highlighted by a .269 average in 1965, followed by 17 homers and 11 triples in 1966. Last year, patient batted just .229 with only 5 home runs. Gold Glove fielding remains unaffected.
Diagnosis: In this physician's opinion, patient is suffering from TBS, also known as Tiny Bat Syndrome. Patient appears to be using a Little League bat, or possibly a novelty giveaway bat, during actual Major League games. Tiny bat leaves patient unable to reach any pitches thrown over outside part of the plate. On the rare occasion when player did make contact, bat shattered and splinters blinded opposing catcher Ray Fosse.
Recommendations: Drink plenty of fluids. Get plenty of rest. Take ibuprofin for any pain or fever. Do not operate heavy machinery. Borrow regulation Major League baseball bat from teammate Bill Melton (3B) or Carlos May (OF). Physician does not recommend borrowing bat from Gail Hopkins (1B). May substitute. No refills.
Scoring: F4