world serious

Players: Wade Boggs, Pete Rose

Cards: 1984 Topps Ralston Purina #4, 1999 Omega #227

Errors: Anton Chigurh, meet Peter Rose. Does Wade Boggs ever take his batting gloves off? Congratulations to the designers involved in all these uniform choices - you are an inspiration.

Comments:

TRANSCRIPT

UGLEE CARD CROSSFIRE EPISODE HI 54.645.99

ORIGINAL AIR DATE OCT 23 09

Welcome to a very special edition of Uglee Card Crossfire, World Series edition. I'm your host Tucker Carville and on tonight's program, I'm very happy to welcome some famous alumni from the teams squaring off in this year's World Series. From the Philadelphia Phillies, Peter Rose, and from the Tampa Bay Rays, Wade Boggs. Good to have both of you.

Rose: Hello, Tuck.
Boggs: Hey there, Tuck.

Well, I'll get right to it. Where do you both stand on the illegal immigration issue? It seems both the Phillies and the Rays support using immigrants from all over the world - Japan, the Middle East, Vatican City - to do their dirty work. They come here, but they refuse to learn our language, adopt our culture or eat our hot dogs. Should these players be deported or tarred?

Rose: Excuse me?

Answer the question, gentleman! This namby-pampy rhetoric is exactly - no, precisely - what has dulled the American voters into submission. Your response is just more pablum from men wearing strange, zip-up suits with large striped collars and tall-hat Tom Selleck wannabes! This is socialism at it's worst. It's very worst.

Boggs: Well, I thought we were here to make our predictions for the Series.

Yes, please go ahead, talk about baseball while terrorists and anti-American zealots are infiltrating our Boy Scout troops, teaching in our schools, driving our trains, painting our crosswalks, designing the country's Sodoku puzzles and populating our small huts. This is madness gentleman! Madness! I'd like a straight answer from the silver, ghostly embodiment of Wade Boggs which will haunt my dreams.

Boggs: Well, let's see. Uh...I'm pro-American, Tuck, if that's what you mean...er...I think the Rays bullpen could be the diff...

Bullpen? Bullpen! Oh, it's bull, all right. I don't care about some old washed up gambler. I want want to hear about Wade the Chicken Eater. I want a plan that will fix our crumbling infrastructure. I want answers to why a third basemen would wear long sleeves in Tampa while people in this country have no sleeves at all. And it's not just me - it's the American people: the baseball moms, the poker in-laws, the ping-pong grandmothers and the bowling cousins. What say you, sir?

Rose: Phillies in five?

Boggs: Rays in six?

Thank you both for being here. This has been Tucker Carville saying, if you're not American, you might as well punch yourself in the face.

Scoring: CS 1-3-6

in the event of my demise

Player: Lee Tunnell
Card: 1984 Fleer #268
Errors: I hope that glove is keeping your fingertips warm because it’s certainly not going to help you catch any baseballs. Player got yellow fever; he got it bad. Player is considering renting that gap in his mustache.
Comments:
To whomever finds this missive,
I write this from a prison both metaphorical and physical. More than 497 days ago myself and 24 other men were taken, under duress, by a surprise attack during our national anthem.
We were grabbed, blindfolded and taken far from our homes. Since then, our days have been long. We have sustained ourselves on a diet of tobacco, chewing gum and powdered Gatorade.
Our captors - who wear large hats, earrings and eye patches - forced us to engage in ridiculous and humiliating rituals involving other tribes. First, we are required to wear the costume of the American bumblebee. (The picture included was smuggled out in a rear cavity by a fellow prisoner - a man named Marvell.)
Once we are dressed, we pick up sticks and swat hopelessly at white balls thrown perilously close to our head. This has gone on for months, day and night.
And things are getting worse. Three weeks ago, a prisoner only known to us as “Tekulve” was eaten. Just yesterday, another prisoner, who called himself Rhoden, tried to escape. The guards caught and gave him "The Zimmer." We were too scared to ask what that was - afraid our spirits would break for good.
By the time you read this, I may already be dead, or worse: traded. If I have gone to be with the Great Umpire in the Sky, please know that I leave my collection of black sleeves to my mustachioed patriot, Dale Berra.
If this reaches you, send troops. We are being held in a sports arena at the center of what we can only surmise is a large Midwestern city. Look for the land where three rivers meet and the average temperature is 17 Fahrenheit degrees at night, 28 when the sun is out. If you discover our location, ask for a guard named "Candelaria" who seems to express some sympathy for our cause.
God speed,
Lee Tunnell #CR 567
Scoring: 3-6-1

regular and extra strength

Player: Joey McLaughlin
Card: 1984 Topps #556
Errors: Player woke up late, wore his light blue pajamas to the game. Player may have stolen Tom Henke's glasses. The promotion for tonight's game: all blurry fans half price. Player has a finger sticking out of his glove!
Comments: Fellas, how often have you gotten drunk, shaved your head, then had to show up bald at the construction site for six weeks? Ladies, that bad perm you got at a discount salon - should it really take two months before you can straighten your bangs again?

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Scoring: 9-6-2