see attached affidavit

Player: Fernando Valenzuela

Card: 1989 Upper Deck #656

Errors: Elvis lives! Is that a windshield on your face, or are you just happy to have corrected vision?

Comments:

Count one: From on or about April 1989 to October 1989, the defendant FERNANDO VALENZUELA, did conspire to participate in a scheme to spread Fernandomania through means of Interstate Traffic, in violation of U.S. Codes 1345, 1886

Count two: From on or about April 1989 to October 1989, the defendant FERNANDO VALENZUELA did conspire or collude to highlight his package by wearing tighter than necessary pants, in violation of U.S. Code 36

Count three: From on or about April 1989 to October 1989, the defendant FERNANDO VALENZUELA attempted to received benefits of more than $13.88 in exchange for performing neighborhood acts including - but not limited to - performing as a Michael Jackson impersonator, rockin' the sweatband hardcore and Air Guitar tribute band, in violation of many, many U.S. Codes

AFFIDAVIT IN SUPPORT OF APPLICATION

I, Carl Willey, being a trained detective for the Federal Bureau of Baseball Card Investigations swear the following is a true and accurate depiction of events, as captured in a federal overhear.

On April 23, 1989, in a recorded conversation, VALENZUELA spoke with Dodgers Second Baseman 3 about the team's pitching rotation, which VALENZUELA was concerned about losing his spot on. VALENZUELA was concerned that he might be sent to the minor leagues or "some totally [redacted]-up [redacted] like that." Dodger Second Baseman 3 asked VALENZUELA how far he was willing to go secure his spot in the rotation. VALENZUELA assured Dodger Second Baseman 3 he would "not hesitate to [redacted] drop a [redacted]ing [redacted] bomb on his [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]."

In the background, Valenzuela Wife 3 can be heard, "[redacted] that (Dodger Manager 1). He's dead. [Redacted]ing dead."

Later in the conversation, VALENZUELA threatens to release a "can of Fernandomania" in Dodger stadium during the Air Guitar finals which he plans to compete in later that night. VALENZUELA said he knows that Dodger Manager 1 wants Minor Leaguer 8 for the spot in the rotation and he is upset because the team "is not willing to give me anything but appreciation. I believe this to be a supreme injustice after all that I have done for this organization through the years. It is simply unfair. Oh yes, and also [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]."

Scoring: 1-2

head full of bed

Player: Dickie Thon
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #258
Errors: Apparently still on MLB probation, player was not issued team hat. Player showed up to stadium on wrong day or wrong city - discovered park empty.
Comments: We join this week’s Uglee Card's 2008 Salute!…to hair criminal trial, already in progress...Let's listen in...

Fancy lawyer man: Your honor, I object! Arguing facts not in evidence! At no point has anyone presented even a single shred of testimony that my client was sleeping directly before he arrived at the ballpark.
In fact, Mr. Thon’s wife testified that my client spent most of the morning in question grooming his expansive, luxurious mustache and eyebrows.
If my esteemed opponent wants to prove a charge of aggravated bed head, she knows that state statute requires hair intent. Her conduct is totally unprofessional.

Fancy lawyer woman: Well, your honor, I object to that characterization!
He knows I have latitude in my cross examination. I think my opponent has gone out of his way to show that his client’s scruffy, disheveled faux-beard is part of a “style.” I’m trying to show that this is more than a case of negligent hat hair. This hair has been teased!

Anyhow, I have a right to question the witness once he takes the stand.
Judge in bathrobe: Thank you, counsel and counsel. I’ll take both your arguments into consideration. But first, I’d like to ask the cat on Mr. Thon’s head a few questions.

Thon’s head: Meow.

Judge in bathrobe: Case closed!

Scoring: F8

the card's the thing

Player: Gary Pettis
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #117
Errors: Player is heavily wrist banded. Player's speed has reduced crowd to dull blur. Card creates hole in universe sucking in anything smaller than John Kruk.
Comments: If you could look at your own soul, what would you see? If a slice of your essence was on a microscope slide, what would it show?
Joy? Despair? Heartache? Incaviglia? Agony?
As he stared into the card that was the very card he held in his hand, Gary Pettis wondered what it would be like to be Gary Pettis for a day.

As the thought entered his head, The Card became reality.
All around him, the Pettisville Pettises played in Pettis Stadium, even though the forecast called for weather that was more than slightly Pettis. Gary Pettis threw a nasty slider to Gary Pettis, who swung and missed. But Gary Pettis ruled the ball was tipped before it fell out of catcher Gary Pettis's glove. Manager Gary Pettis was irate and planned to contact Pettis League commissioner Gary Pettis. It was a clear violation of the Gary Code, subsection Pettis, part Pettis.
In the booth, Gary Pettis tried to keep track of all the action below. But even as he described the Pettis-sized disaster that was forming on Pettis Field, he couldn't help but think of the diagnosis Dr. Gary Pettis had given him that morning. The Gary-Rays confirmed it: he had Pettis. Even a Pettisectomy might not save him. Pettis wondered if he would even be there for Opening Pettis next year. He knew he would have to rely on the spiritual strength of his wife, Gary Pettis, more than ever.
Meanwhile, in the stands - row Gary, seat Pettis - a young Gary Pettis looked at his hero and wondered: "Who am I? If I am Gary Pettis, then am I not Matt Nokes? Am I any less Kevin Seitzer than I am Gary Pettis?" Those thoughts were crudely interrupted by a vulgar, loathsome vendor selling fried Pettis and light-up Garys.
With the Pettises ahead Gary to Pettis, the stadium began to clear out and thousands of Gary Pettises headed home on Pettis Expressway, while writers for the DailyPettis punched out the last few grafs for their columns. Few noticed the note pinned up by Pettsville Pettises clubhouse attendant, Gary Pettis. It read simply, humbly:
"The soul is life. The soul feeds. Look into yours. Then try playing rightfield. It's tough."
Scoring : CS 2-5

he slices, he dices

Player: Jerry Reuss
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #151
Errors: Pants number. Is that ear hair? Picture taken during mass evacuation of stadium. Baseball player completing karate chop.
Comments: The fact that Jerry Reuss (pronounced "mil-ler") pitched for more than 20 years in the big leagues is a testament to his durability, attention to detail and strict fish-head diet. Though frequently overshadowed even on his own team, Reuss was a steady presence in the rotation, earning appearances in two All-Star games and tossing a no-hitter in 1980. Plus, he was the second pitcher ever to win 200 games without winning 20 in a single season.
Despite that success, tragically, Reuss will always be best remembered for 1988, when he put together one of the most unusual statistical seasons in Major League history.
While baseball historians and Billy Crystal have debated for years what led to this bizarre anomaly - Alignment of the stars? Weak minor league development skill programs combined with a gradual expansion of the left-side strike zone? Too much steak? - it's probably best to let the stats speak for themselves. Then you, the fans, can be the final judge.
1988
JERRY REUSS * P * WHITE SOX
h: 6-5 * w: 227 * h: L * t: L
b: 6-19-49 St. Louis, Mo.
Wins: 13
Losses: 9
Earned run average: 3.44
Games: 32
Complete games: 2
Wood boards: 6,575
Bricks: 876
Shut outs: 0
Sleeper holds: 18
International spy assassinations: 1
Saves: 0
Innings pitched: 183
Runs: 79
Put him in a body bag: Yeah, Johnny, yeah!
Earned runs: 70
Subscriptions sold to Teen Kick, the magazine for young ninjas: 7
Hits: 183
Wild pitches: 3
Viper strikes: 5
Hit by pitch: 3
Belts: red, mauve, black
Walks: 43
Strikeouts: 73
Scoring: 2-1