reach out and touch someone

Players: (left to right) Tony Fernandez, Cal Ripken Jr., Alan Trammell
Card: 1988 Score #651
Errors: Good thing you mentioned that's Ripken Jr. - I thought it was his dad. What, no love for Kurt Stillwell? Alan Trammell's hand appears to be both behind and in front of Ripken - defying the laws of physics. Where's Tony Fernandez's left hand headed?
Comments:
CV for Joe Pignatno
Objective
To integrate consumers' passion for America's past time with "underground" advertising that will increase exposure for high-quality brands with profit margins greater than 23 percent or a annual revenue projection in the top 14 percent of U.S. companies
Work experience
Integrated product technician, Score Baseball Card Co., 1987-1989
- As part of the design team, I helped to coordinate and select the set's trademark random color scheme which led collectors to increase time spent with each card by 45 percent in the first 3 months. Design also encouraged cross collecting that manifested in a 1.2 percent increase in pack sales.
- Assisted with the developed Score's "Super" collection which included multiple stars on one card (a 300 percent increase), with players posed in random manner that was non-threatening to consumers.
- Worked on Score's bubble gum transition team that moved the company from sugar-based inserts to small, collectible cards that included trivia and subliminal messages, leading to a 73.4 percent increase in sales to ADA-backed vendors.
- Implemented a lucrative contract with several Fortune 500 advertisers to sell space behind the heads of Major League baseball players. Ads reached target audiences with long-term growth potential and led to an 2.3 percent increase in brand visibility within the first 18 months.
- Served as lead negotiator with Winston Salem Tobacco Co., Budweiser and Hilltop Machine Gun Co., to integrate product messaging onto cards, increasing brand awareness by 16 percent in target demographic, young males 4-12.
- Other duties as assigned.

Unemployed 1986-1987
- Working on novel about Spanish American War's impact on the immigration of the American Tern. (unpublished)

High-value target interrogator, CIA, 1983-1985
- Worked to elicit information from individuals identified by the American government as enemy combatants.
- Assigned to Private Sector Partnering Team that infused pamphlets dropped on foreign soil with brand-based suggestions.
- Other duties as assigned.

Eastern Illinois University, lab assistant, 1982-1983
- Worked in English Composition tutoring labs, with a focus on 16th French poetry and the works of Emily Dickinson.

References available upon request.
Scoring: F6

you make the call

Players: Sid Fernandez, Jerry Don Gleaton
Card: 1990 Fleer #203, 1991 Topps #597
Errors: Jerry Don Gleaton is melting into his pants. Pardon me, would you mind stopping what you're doing, smiling and standing awkwardly while I take a snapshot? GQ says showing your undershirt is a fashion faux-pas.
Comments:
When you came up to the bigs, you didn't have to make these kinds of choices. But, now, alas, the time is here.
You're no longer a dominating pitcher - if you ever were. You never won 20 games or struck out 250 batters. The writers called you "crafty". But everybody knows that means you threw junk and you threw it left-handed. So, you survived. Pitched more years than Sandy Koufax, without one-tenth his stuff.
Your rookie year, you were somewhere between 210 and 230 pounds. And even though that's about 500 donuts ago, that's the weight that stays in the team media guide, forever.
But it couldn't stop you from arriving at this point in your career, a crossroads.
Obviously, the choice may not be entirely your own. You may need to consult a physician, haberdasher or butcher.
Or, more likely, you can just go with your gut.
Either way, you must confront the reality: belt or no belt?
Select a nice blue belt and you're never going to have to worry about the pants falling down. They'll be snug against your sizable posterior, no worries. They're also fashionable without being haughty.
Then again, you could end up in a one-hole's-too-tight, one-hole's-too-loose situation. Belts also put you at risk for an unfortunate buckle incident. Of course, any metal on your uniform could make you vulnerable to the 'ole Pittsburgh magnet trick.
But eschew the belt at your own risk. Sure, the elastic band is classic comfort. Good for bundling newspapers and sucking in a few extra pounds. It can also give you the breathability you need to field a Brett Butler drag bunt.
Of course, everyone knows that elastic has a mind of it's own. In the fifth inning, for no apparent reason, the band can slowly creep past your waist, head straight for your armpits, like an orange-and-black python swallowing you whole. And it's pretty difficult to scuff up a baseball on elastic.
But we all must choose. So, what will you do?
Scoring: 8-2

to infinity and beyond

Player: Skeeter Barnes
Card: 1993 Topps #26
Errors: Extremely orange uniform. Carrying batting gloves to the field - not cool. Where’s that throw going?
Comments:
From: Bouchee, Ed
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 1992 12:36 PM
To: Anderson, George; Ilitch, Michael
Subject: Fwd: Re: William Henry Barnes evaluation

The following is my scouting report on player William H. Barnes, 3/7/57, 5-11, 180, br, tr.
Hitting ability: Good pop in bat. Hits to all fields. Struggles with curve from lefties. Will work count.
Base running: Good instincts. Smart. Can take the extra base on ball in alley. Above average speed.
Arm strength: Extremely strong arm from any field. Could play infield or outfield.
Arm accuracy: Biggest weakness. At least once a game, player has unusual habit of throwing ball straight into the air, as high as he can. Tom Emanski brought in to work with Barnes, but game is still occasionally delayed while teammates wait for ball to come back down.
Medical update: Injured left wrist when he was punched by one of his teammates after throwing ball out of Memorial Stadium, allowing Joe Orsulak to score game-tying run. Barnes stayed in game.
Personal: Strong family background. No apparent personal issues. Teammates report some tension, as Barnes demands to be called “Scooter” or “Skeet” - not sure which. Perhaps something to do with that kid on Saved by the Bell? Unsure.
Overall rating: 62.4 Possible role player. Not suitable for domed games (high throws could ricochet, hurt fans)
Recommendation: Trade for Max Venable or Lary Sorensen, if possible.
- Ed
Scoring: 5-4

the card's the thing

Player: Gary Pettis
Card: 1989 Upper Deck #117
Errors: Player is heavily wrist banded. Player's speed has reduced crowd to dull blur. Card creates hole in universe sucking in anything smaller than John Kruk.
Comments: If you could look at your own soul, what would you see? If a slice of your essence was on a microscope slide, what would it show?
Joy? Despair? Heartache? Incaviglia? Agony?
As he stared into the card that was the very card he held in his hand, Gary Pettis wondered what it would be like to be Gary Pettis for a day.

As the thought entered his head, The Card became reality.
All around him, the Pettisville Pettises played in Pettis Stadium, even though the forecast called for weather that was more than slightly Pettis. Gary Pettis threw a nasty slider to Gary Pettis, who swung and missed. But Gary Pettis ruled the ball was tipped before it fell out of catcher Gary Pettis's glove. Manager Gary Pettis was irate and planned to contact Pettis League commissioner Gary Pettis. It was a clear violation of the Gary Code, subsection Pettis, part Pettis.
In the booth, Gary Pettis tried to keep track of all the action below. But even as he described the Pettis-sized disaster that was forming on Pettis Field, he couldn't help but think of the diagnosis Dr. Gary Pettis had given him that morning. The Gary-Rays confirmed it: he had Pettis. Even a Pettisectomy might not save him. Pettis wondered if he would even be there for Opening Pettis next year. He knew he would have to rely on the spiritual strength of his wife, Gary Pettis, more than ever.
Meanwhile, in the stands - row Gary, seat Pettis - a young Gary Pettis looked at his hero and wondered: "Who am I? If I am Gary Pettis, then am I not Matt Nokes? Am I any less Kevin Seitzer than I am Gary Pettis?" Those thoughts were crudely interrupted by a vulgar, loathsome vendor selling fried Pettis and light-up Garys.
With the Pettises ahead Gary to Pettis, the stadium began to clear out and thousands of Gary Pettises headed home on Pettis Expressway, while writers for the DailyPettis punched out the last few grafs for their columns. Few noticed the note pinned up by Pettsville Pettises clubhouse attendant, Gary Pettis. It read simply, humbly:
"The soul is life. The soul feeds. Look into yours. Then try playing rightfield. It's tough."
Scoring : CS 2-5

frank tanana can't face himself any longer

Player: Frank Tanana

Cards: 1991 Topps #236, 1990 Donruss #180, 1991 Fleer #354

Errors: Player may be unable to see home plate through his tiny eyeholes. Player's hat contains unnecessary storage space above head.

Comments: By all accounts, Frank Tanana is a nice guy. There are no stories of him berating the media or having off-field go-kart incidents. In fact, just the opposite: he's apparently a model citizen.

And he was pretty good ballplayer, too. Mr. Frank Daryl Tanana won more than 200 games, struck out over 2,700 batters and tossed 34 shut outs - top 100 in all three categories lifetime.

So, here's what we, the fans, want to know: What the heck did Frank Tanana ever do to baseball card photographers?

When you see the first card - pictured above - you might think, "Hey Mr. Topps Photographer, try not to position your players staring directly into the sun. I know you're taking lazy, cheesy spring training photos, but don't humiliate a flame-throwing-turned-crafty-veteran-three-time-all-star pitcher, bro."

If it were one card, it might be an accident.
But then how do you explain these other two? You can't.
For some reason, the members of the Major League Baseball Card Photographers and Bullpen Catcher Organization (MLBCPaBCO) banded together in an effort to embarass Mr. Tanana.

The question facing us is: Why?

Was he giving secrets to the Russians? Did he put a Phillie Phanatic head in their bed? Forget to show up for the post-season MLBCPaBCO picnic? Is this Manny Trillo related?

The card-viewing public demands answers!

We will file protests! We will write letters!

We will call Congressional hearings! We will call Congressional smellings!

We will picket!

Oh wait, Saturday Night Live is back on? Never mind.

Scoring: 5-3