give thanks

Player: Mark Carreon
Card: 1991 Fleer #142
Errors: Players is In Action! Don't forget, card owners, to watch SportsChannel! Do you know why he's running to fast? He's being chased by Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones!
Comments:
Stuff I Am Thankful For
an essay by That Guy in the Circle
I am thankful for baseball, the grand old game. It inspires me and comforts me. It keeps my summers full of happiness and joy. It gives me something to look forward to in the long, cold winters.
I am thankful for the Arizona sun, which keeps my ripped, bodacious body tanned and smoking - something the ladies are very thankful for. Thank you, ladies.
I am thankful for white shorts, which not only show off my buns and my Satchel Paige, but keep me cool and relaxed. Thank you, white shorts.
I am thankful for late inning blowouts in spring training and lazy ushers, who allow me to slip up to the front row, into the $22 seats. Suh-weet. Thank you, ushers.
I am thankful that I was there. I was there to witness Mark Carreon scoring a meaningless spring training run when some not-ready-for-the-big-leagues outfielder momentarily bobbled the ball. Thank you, outfielder.
But, most of all, I am thankful that Fleer hired photographers with deep focus lenses who could perfectly capture This Place, This Event, This Moment. How would my many, many future children believe it happened without you, Fleer photographer? Thank you, future kids.
So, yes, I am thankful for a lot of stuff.
Scoring: 3U

in the event of my demise

Player: Lee Tunnell
Card: 1984 Fleer #268
Errors: I hope that glove is keeping your fingertips warm because it’s certainly not going to help you catch any baseballs. Player got yellow fever; he got it bad. Player is considering renting that gap in his mustache.
Comments:
To whomever finds this missive,
I write this from a prison both metaphorical and physical. More than 497 days ago myself and 24 other men were taken, under duress, by a surprise attack during our national anthem.
We were grabbed, blindfolded and taken far from our homes. Since then, our days have been long. We have sustained ourselves on a diet of tobacco, chewing gum and powdered Gatorade.
Our captors - who wear large hats, earrings and eye patches - forced us to engage in ridiculous and humiliating rituals involving other tribes. First, we are required to wear the costume of the American bumblebee. (The picture included was smuggled out in a rear cavity by a fellow prisoner - a man named Marvell.)
Once we are dressed, we pick up sticks and swat hopelessly at white balls thrown perilously close to our head. This has gone on for months, day and night.
And things are getting worse. Three weeks ago, a prisoner only known to us as “Tekulve” was eaten. Just yesterday, another prisoner, who called himself Rhoden, tried to escape. The guards caught and gave him "The Zimmer." We were too scared to ask what that was - afraid our spirits would break for good.
By the time you read this, I may already be dead, or worse: traded. If I have gone to be with the Great Umpire in the Sky, please know that I leave my collection of black sleeves to my mustachioed patriot, Dale Berra.
If this reaches you, send troops. We are being held in a sports arena at the center of what we can only surmise is a large Midwestern city. Look for the land where three rivers meet and the average temperature is 17 Fahrenheit degrees at night, 28 when the sun is out. If you discover our location, ask for a guard named "Candelaria" who seems to express some sympathy for our cause.
God speed,
Lee Tunnell #CR 567
Scoring: 3-6-1

the hunchback of middle infielders

Player: Jeff Treadway

Card: 1991 Fleer #707

Errors: Kids, that's no way to field a grounder - always get in front of the ball. Is he playing baseball in a meadow? Again, thank you Fleer for a set of blindingly yellow posed baseball cards.

Comments:

FULTON COUNTY SHERIFF DEPARTMENT

INCIDENT REPORT 08-AF1543

Incident: Aggravated fielding

Time: 23:11

Date: 7.3.1990

Location: Meadow bordering Chalmers St. and Howell Ave.

Suspect: Jeff Treadway, 1/22/1963, 521 Capitol Ave., Atlanta, GA, m/w, 170 lbs, 5ft11, hair brown, eyes closed, posture poor, wearing blue hat, blue shirt, high gray pants, no tattoos or identifying marks

Summary: At above time and location, I, Offc. John DeMerit #29, was called to the scene of an aggravated fielding incident. Victim Herb Moford (8/6/1928, 12301 Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, NY, m/w, 6'1'', 175, hair brown, eyes hazel with specks of green) reported that he was having a picnic in a meadow near his home when he was approached by suspect Treadway, whom he did not know and was not enemies with.

Suspect Treadway was slumped over, yelling, "I am quasimodo. Throw me a grounder. I am quasimodo! Toss me a little pepper!"

Suspect's comments caused victim Moford to become alarmed and disturbed, as he was with his fiancee and feared for her physical safety.

In a calm manner, Moford gave suspect Treadway verbal instructions to leave the area. Suspect Treadway continued to advance toward picnic area and continued to verbally yell. When he reached picnic, suspect Treadway stepped on victim's fruit salad and silverware. Suspect Treadway then scooped up an orange and threw it at victim Moford, who was able to avoid contact with the projectile. Total loss was estimated at $8.50.

Victim Moford and fiancee fled the area northbound on Howell Ave and contacted authorities from Ken's Dollar Store, 1037 Howell Ave.

When officers arrived, suspect Treadway was slumped over, trying to scoop up ducks in his baseball glove.
At 23:45 hrs, I contacted state's attorney's office. ASA Cliff Cook approved charges of felony aggravated fielding and misdemeanor water fowl harassment within 1000 feet of a school.
Scoring: 7-4

man's best friend

Player: Bob Keegan
Card: 1957 Topps #99
Errors: The players has finished his pitching motion, but is still clutching the baseball for some reason. Player appears to be standing in fair territory, but he's pitching from the outfield.
Comments:
We have gathered here in the presence of God and American League president William Harridge to witness the joining of Bob Keegan and his baseball. If anyone knows of any reason that Bob and his baseball should be parted, speak now, or at least give the bunt sign to the ushers.
Seeing none, I will proceed.
Do you, Bob Keegan, take this baseball to be your constant companion; to have and hold from this windup forward; for pictures and for game situations; for blowouts, for no hitters; in first place and in last; to love and to cherish on the tips of your fingers; from this day forward until your right arms falls off?
"I do."
And do you, Rawlings Official Major League Baseball, take Bob to have and be held by; from this windup forward; for fastball grips and split fingers; for curves, for knucklers; in foul territory and fair; to love and to cherish; even when he holds you long after the pitch should have already been thrown?
"I do."
Then, by the power vested in me by the false leg of Bill Veeck, I now pronounce you man and ball. You may now kiss the ball, although it will be ruled a balk and the groomsmen can advance.
Scoring: 4-5-6-5-6-2

frank tanana can't face himself any longer

Player: Frank Tanana

Cards: 1991 Topps #236, 1990 Donruss #180, 1991 Fleer #354

Errors: Player may be unable to see home plate through his tiny eyeholes. Player's hat contains unnecessary storage space above head.

Comments: By all accounts, Frank Tanana is a nice guy. There are no stories of him berating the media or having off-field go-kart incidents. In fact, just the opposite: he's apparently a model citizen.

And he was pretty good ballplayer, too. Mr. Frank Daryl Tanana won more than 200 games, struck out over 2,700 batters and tossed 34 shut outs - top 100 in all three categories lifetime.

So, here's what we, the fans, want to know: What the heck did Frank Tanana ever do to baseball card photographers?

When you see the first card - pictured above - you might think, "Hey Mr. Topps Photographer, try not to position your players staring directly into the sun. I know you're taking lazy, cheesy spring training photos, but don't humiliate a flame-throwing-turned-crafty-veteran-three-time-all-star pitcher, bro."

If it were one card, it might be an accident.
But then how do you explain these other two? You can't.
For some reason, the members of the Major League Baseball Card Photographers and Bullpen Catcher Organization (MLBCPaBCO) banded together in an effort to embarass Mr. Tanana.

The question facing us is: Why?

Was he giving secrets to the Russians? Did he put a Phillie Phanatic head in their bed? Forget to show up for the post-season MLBCPaBCO picnic? Is this Manny Trillo related?

The card-viewing public demands answers!

We will file protests! We will write letters!

We will call Congressional hearings! We will call Congressional smellings!

We will picket!

Oh wait, Saturday Night Live is back on? Never mind.

Scoring: 5-3

eiland's a nice place to visit

Player: David Eiland

Card: 1991 Fleer #661

Errors: Fixated stare. Player appears to be proposing to card's owner. Overabundance of yellow.

Comments: A first glance at David Eiland's career numbers (12 wins, 27 losses, 5.74 ERA) doesn't necessarily blow you away.

In 10 years, he never won more than four games in a single season, and never pitched more than 80 innings.

But David (never Dave!) Eiland's career was defined by one thing: his left leg. It was the only leg he had.

As seen above, David Eiland lost his right leg in a somewhat horrible bumper car accident. Did he let that tragedy stop him from achieving his big league dreams? For the most part, no.

Unfortunately, in 2000, after three seasons with the Devil Rays, Eiland retired. You can play baseball with one hand or one arm, but it's only a matter of time before Joe Girardi instructs every player on his team to bunt on a one-legged pitcher.

Though his time was brief, Americans will always remember his one shining moment in 1992. The country was still trying to come to grips with the difficult emotions that swirled around the acquittal of four officers who were videotaped beating Rodney King. Tensions were high. Hope was em-dashed.

Wearing his specially modified San Diego Padres uniform, David Eiland came up to the plate for the first time...and socked the only home run of his career.

Millions of Americans cried during David Eiland's home-run hop around the bases. We saw the potential in each of us. We learned that true greatness comes from our heart - not from the right ankle, knee cap or calf.

Three cheers to you, David Eiland. While statistics are temporary, one-legged pitchers are forever.

Scoring: E6

a hat with a view of the world

Manager: Jim Leyland

Card: 1986 Topps Traded #66T

Errors: Bad uni. Bald spot visible through three-story hat.

Comments: "Jim, come in. Have a seat. We're glad you could make it today.

"Make yourself comfortable. You like that big chair, Jim? How's it feel - comfy? Good, good. Because, well, that's actually what we wanted to talk to you about, Jim.

"Chuck's done a hell of a job for us, Jim. No one will ever forget the '79 Series. Unforgettable. But, well, the last two years the Pirates finished sixth. Lost 104 games last year. Just not acceptable in Pittsburgh, you understand Jim.

"And, well, we just love what you're doing down there in Evansville. Fantastic stuff, Jim, really.

"I'll just be direct here. Chuck's stepping down and we'd like you to consider taking the manager's job. There's a substantial raise obviously. But there's more, Jim.

"You'll have some good young talent, too, Jim. Pena, Bream - they're ready to go. Bobby Bonds' kid should be ready to play this year. He's skinny, but he's the real deal. Plus, we've got our eye on the Cardinals' centerfielder, this pitcher with the Yankees and an outfielder from the White Sox, Bob Bonilla. It's an up-and-coming squad, Jim. We really think so.

"You'll do it? That's great, Jim. That's just great. We think this is a perfect match. A good fit, really.

"Oh, Jim. Before you go. One more thing. We almost forgot. You'll still get the talent, and the raise, and the big chair, and all that. But you're going to have to wear a hat made of mosquito netting. And it's about three feet tall. It's a completely ridiculous hat, Jim, but, well, we feel very strongly about this.

"Oh sure, Jim, you think about it. Talk to your wife. That's fine. We'll be here, waiting, Jim, with the chair, and the raise, and the talent. And the stovepipe baseball hat.

"Talk to you soon, Jim."

Scoring: 6-4-3

glasses so big, he can see the future

Player: Tom Henke
Card: 1988 Topps All-Star, #396
Errors: Big glasses. Too happy. Obscenely yellow. Possible decapitation photo. Chest hair.
Comments: Looking at Big Tom's stats, two things stuck out:
One, how did he finish seventh in Rookie of the Year voting after his fourth year in the big leagues? He pitched 25 games the year before! Maybe no one noticed. But, I digress.
Two, I was impressed that he saved 36 games with a 1.82 ERA in his last year. Big Tom went out on top. Unfortunately, the age of the contact lens pitcher was upon us by then, make Big Tom a relic. Honestly, have we no room in our hearts for a Tom Henke, a Kent Tekulve? Eric Gagne was close with the prescription goggles, but we all know that's not the same thing.
Where are ye now, Tom Henke? We miss you and your Coke-bottle happiness.
Scoring: 3-1