thanks a million

Player: Jeff Montgomery
Card: 1991 Topps #371
Errors: Player is lodged, jammed, trapped and caught squarely in the 1980s. Player is wearing Kansas City Royals apparel without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. Player - hands at the ready - is standing guard, protecting empty stadium from first base foul line.
Comments:
Dear Mike and Joan,
Sorry this has taken to so long! Between the honeymoon and the new house, we fell too far behind on sending out thank yous to all the people who blessed us with wonderful and generous gifts!
Jeff and I absolutely adore the visor and Walkman! Jeff has not taken them off since our wedding day! Can you believe that?!
Just other day, Jeff was commenting on how much he values the visor. Of course, since Jeff plays in the major leagues, the team supplies him with most of the equipment that he needs, including hats, light blue shirts with numbers on the shoulder, sliding pants and a MLB-endorsed belt. However, one thing the team trainer did not hand out is a visor! It’s great for Jeff to have a hat with no roof - it helps keep his head cool in tight spots, like facing Kelly Gruber in the bottom of the ninth! Jeff loves how the visor includes stylish blue E-Z breath vents on the left and right sides. Jeff says they mop up the sweat, just like he mops up games! And of course, it has the Royals logo - precious! Jeff claims he is going to petition the league so he can wear it during games! Who knows if he's kidding?!
Even when he's on the road, Jeff likes to have a little bit of home and the bright yellow Walkman sure helps! Many times I will record inspirational messages for Jeff to listen to as he goes to sleep, or when he’s warming up in the bullpen. It's amazing! Once, when the Royals were facing the Red Sox, the manager tried to call Jeff in to the game, but he didn’t hear it because he still had the Walkman on! Can you believe that?! He really loves that Walkman!
Sadly, our dog Brett ate both the visor and the Walkman when someone - probably the maid - left them in the backyard. Enclosed, is a picture of Jeff cherishing both items before they were eaten.
Again, there is nothing we would have wanted more than to have all the people we love and cherish with us on the day Jeff and I started our life together. Sadly, our church had limited seating.
Still, we can’t thank you enough for your thoughtful generosity. Hope to see you again.
Love,
Jeff and Tina
Scoring: 9-5-2

and it's tasty, too

Player: John Wathan

Card: 1986 Topps #556

Errors: Another in the collection of fabulous light blue Major League baseball uniforms. Player may be practicing bunting with the donut still on.

Comments:

John Wathan's special baseball donut recipe

Serves four; about 8 minutes cooking time

Ingredients:

One (1) cup all-purpose flour

One-half (1/2) cup sugar

One (1) level tablespoon double acting baking powder

One-half (1/2) cup of milk

One-quarter (1/4) teaspoon of ginger

One (1) wooden bat

Instructions:

Mix flour, sugar, baking powder and milk in large mixing bowl. When ingredients are thoroughly mixed - and Lonnie Smith has grounded out - pour onto baking sheet.

While Onix Concepcion is stepping up to the plate, roll into 5-inch long strip. Fold strip into circle, until in shape of "donut" and Darryl Motley is on third.

Cook for 23 seconds on 450 degrees, or until Steve Balboni gets picked off first.

Remove crispy brown donut while Mark Gubicza warms up.

Shove donut onto bat and eat in the on-deck circle!
Scoring: CS 2-5

a ballpark tragedy

Player: Freddie Patek
Card: 1980 O-Pee-Chee #356 (A Canadian May Day salute)
Errors: Player using oversized Dairy Queen helmet. One armed batter. Stadium appears to be leaning slightly left.
Comments:

"Now with Angels" A play, in three acts
ACT I
(A typical Quebec Province home. A fire is lit in the corner, where an old woman sits knitting a red and white scarf. A young man, JOHNNIE PATEK rushes into the house. He is holding up a package for the audience to see.)
JOHNNIE PATEK: Mother come quick, the new cards are here! The new cards are here! Finally, we will see Freddie in his American baseball uniform!
SARA PATEK: Oh my, what a day! Ever since we moved to this typical Quebec Province home, it is so hard to find U.S. baseball cards. What a joy it will be to see my beloved son in his powerful light blue American baseball uniform. Let me put down my maple syrup to get a better look.
(JOHNNIE PATEK rips open the package. Mother and son eagerly flip through the cards, tossing bits of cardboard on the floor as they go. When they reach the 356th card, both SARA PATEK and JOHNNIE PATEK gasp. Lights flash.)
SARA PATEK: What’s this? It can’t be! Now with Angels? My diminutive, but beloved, Freddie is….dead!
Scene.

ACT II
(A long, angular preacher stands in front of a packed church. An oversized portrait of Freddie Patek is propped up against a black, empty coffin. Mourners can be heard weeping in the first few rows. The audience joins the sermon in progress.)
FATHER MATTHEW KRANEPOOL: …and Freddie told me: “Father, in the big leagues, stealing isn’t a sin. It gets you a raise!”
That was the Freddie we knew. Funny. Dedicated. A family man. He may not have been the biggest player on the field, but he had guts. And that made him - at least in Bill James's estimation - the 14th best parishioner this church has ever known.
And so, it is with anguished hearts, we start Freddie on his final voyage, to be with Angels. As the pallbearers carry this symbolic coffin out, I invite the congregation to…
(Suddenly, a door swings open. The crowd turns and FATHER MATTHEW KRANEPOOL stops, mid-sentence. A man in white pants, stirrups and a navy blue baseball cap walks in.)
FREDDIE PATEK: Mom? Johnnie? They told me down at the General Canadian Store that everyone was at the church for a funeral. Who died?
SARA PATEK: But how can it be? I thought you were….with the Angels!
Scene.

ACT III
(A corporate office in London, Ontario. Several men in dark gray suits are sitting around a wide, oblong cedar table. FREDDIE PATEK sits at the end, holding a cherry red baseball bat.)
CORPORATE EXECUTIVE: Mr. Patek, the O-Pee-Chee Company sincerely regrets the zany antics caused by this unfortunate circumstance. As you can see on this legally binding document, we are prepared to offer a $20,000,000 US settlement for the pain and suffering your family endured. Normally, this sort of payment might be impossible, but we recently won the Irish Lotto so it should be no problem.
Of course, you understand that as Canadians we feel terrible about the entire incident. We hope you continue to do business with the O-Pee-Chee brand.
FREDDIE PATEK: No hard feelings, boys. Besides, it could have been worse.
CORPORATE EXECUTIVE: Excuse me? How’s that?
FREDDIE PATEK: I could have been traded...to the Yankees!
Everyone at table laughs awkwardly as lights fade.
END

Scoring: 2-4-3-4