a ballpark tragedy

Player: Freddie Patek
Card: 1980 O-Pee-Chee #356 (A Canadian May Day salute)
Errors: Player using oversized Dairy Queen helmet. One armed batter. Stadium appears to be leaning slightly left.
Comments:

"Now with Angels" A play, in three acts
ACT I
(A typical Quebec Province home. A fire is lit in the corner, where an old woman sits knitting a red and white scarf. A young man, JOHNNIE PATEK rushes into the house. He is holding up a package for the audience to see.)
JOHNNIE PATEK: Mother come quick, the new cards are here! The new cards are here! Finally, we will see Freddie in his American baseball uniform!
SARA PATEK: Oh my, what a day! Ever since we moved to this typical Quebec Province home, it is so hard to find U.S. baseball cards. What a joy it will be to see my beloved son in his powerful light blue American baseball uniform. Let me put down my maple syrup to get a better look.
(JOHNNIE PATEK rips open the package. Mother and son eagerly flip through the cards, tossing bits of cardboard on the floor as they go. When they reach the 356th card, both SARA PATEK and JOHNNIE PATEK gasp. Lights flash.)
SARA PATEK: What’s this? It can’t be! Now with Angels? My diminutive, but beloved, Freddie is….dead!
Scene.

ACT II
(A long, angular preacher stands in front of a packed church. An oversized portrait of Freddie Patek is propped up against a black, empty coffin. Mourners can be heard weeping in the first few rows. The audience joins the sermon in progress.)
FATHER MATTHEW KRANEPOOL: …and Freddie told me: “Father, in the big leagues, stealing isn’t a sin. It gets you a raise!”
That was the Freddie we knew. Funny. Dedicated. A family man. He may not have been the biggest player on the field, but he had guts. And that made him - at least in Bill James's estimation - the 14th best parishioner this church has ever known.
And so, it is with anguished hearts, we start Freddie on his final voyage, to be with Angels. As the pallbearers carry this symbolic coffin out, I invite the congregation to…
(Suddenly, a door swings open. The crowd turns and FATHER MATTHEW KRANEPOOL stops, mid-sentence. A man in white pants, stirrups and a navy blue baseball cap walks in.)
FREDDIE PATEK: Mom? Johnnie? They told me down at the General Canadian Store that everyone was at the church for a funeral. Who died?
SARA PATEK: But how can it be? I thought you were….with the Angels!
Scene.

ACT III
(A corporate office in London, Ontario. Several men in dark gray suits are sitting around a wide, oblong cedar table. FREDDIE PATEK sits at the end, holding a cherry red baseball bat.)
CORPORATE EXECUTIVE: Mr. Patek, the O-Pee-Chee Company sincerely regrets the zany antics caused by this unfortunate circumstance. As you can see on this legally binding document, we are prepared to offer a $20,000,000 US settlement for the pain and suffering your family endured. Normally, this sort of payment might be impossible, but we recently won the Irish Lotto so it should be no problem.
Of course, you understand that as Canadians we feel terrible about the entire incident. We hope you continue to do business with the O-Pee-Chee brand.
FREDDIE PATEK: No hard feelings, boys. Besides, it could have been worse.
CORPORATE EXECUTIVE: Excuse me? How’s that?
FREDDIE PATEK: I could have been traded...to the Yankees!
Everyone at table laughs awkwardly as lights fade.
END

Scoring: 2-4-3-4

it's gold, jerry, gold!

Player: DeWayne Buice
Card: 1988 Donruss #58
Errors: Player could only afford half a sweatshirt. In lieu of belt, player given multi-colored elastic band. Background of card borrowed from Tron.
Comments: DeWayne stared at the letter. He allowed each word to burn. He let the hurt simmer and overflow. He was beyond pain.
"Dear Mr. Buice: Thank you for submitting your gold necklaces. While you show great talent, we regret to inform you that we are not hiring additional artisans at the present time. We will keep your letter on file. We have returned your work, as requested. Thank you and best of luck with your job search. Sincerely, Newton Designs, Inc."
DeWayne could only shrug. He had given up so much for his craft. He walked away from his parents during the rainy season, leaving them without his bamboo expertise. For three years, he had eaten only Ramen and corn flakes, saving up for his carving tools. He had stripped his own car to get metal for the DeWayne "UnDeNiable" collection. And Sharon. Poor Sharon.
What was the point?
Maybe even Sharon's death in the horrible smelting accident - it was an accident, dammit! - might mean something if a gallery would just give him a chance.
Instead, the rejection letters piled up like broken dreams printed on 8-1/2 by 11 pink slips. Bracelets would never find wrists; earrings would never dangle; necklaces would never highlight a nape.
"I have talent and desire," DeWayne thought to himself. "I need marketing. I need exposure."
Suddenly, DeWayne remembered that he could throw a fastball 93 miles per hour. Why hadn't he thought of it sooner?
DeWayne would play baseball.
There, in stadiums filled with thousands of people with expendable incomes, he would showcase his true love: jewelry.
Over the next 10 years, DeWayne underwent intense physical and psychological training.
In each game, he'd pitch his heart out - necklaces prominently displayed.
In Great Falls and Cedar Rapids, DeWayne dazzled. Fresno, West Haven. He always requested V-neck jerseys.
Of course, there were still nights when DeWayne would hold his necklaces and cry out Sharon's name. Why hadn't he checked the pressurization valve?!
DeWayne trudged on: Tacoma. Nuevo Laredo. Midland. Edmonton.
Then, finally, the big show. On April 25, 1987, Willie Fraser was struggling. Gene Mauch looked down his bench and his eye caught the glimmer of a 18K gold necklace, byzantine in style with a clasp in the back.
"Buice! Warm up!"
DeWayne took the mound against the Minnesota Twins, with 51,717 potential customers in the stands.
He pitched 2-2/3 innings that day, giving up just one run. Although the Twins would win when Gary Gaetti singled in the ninth, it was a short-term defeat for DeWayne. Later that night, he'd discover that his answering machine contained 16 new orders for the UnDeNiable necklace, all from people who were at the game.
But even that was secondary to what happened when DeWayne walked out of the Metrodome.
"Hey, nice necklace," a woman shouted from the sidewalk.
DeWayne looked over. It was Sharon's identical sister - the one who hadn't been killed in a horrible smelting accident. Things were beginning to look up for DeWayne Buice.
UnDeNiably.
Scoring: 3-1