in the event of my demise

Player: Lee Tunnell
Card: 1984 Fleer #268
Errors: I hope that glove is keeping your fingertips warm because it’s certainly not going to help you catch any baseballs. Player got yellow fever; he got it bad. Player is considering renting that gap in his mustache.
Comments:
To whomever finds this missive,
I write this from a prison both metaphorical and physical. More than 497 days ago myself and 24 other men were taken, under duress, by a surprise attack during our national anthem.
We were grabbed, blindfolded and taken far from our homes. Since then, our days have been long. We have sustained ourselves on a diet of tobacco, chewing gum and powdered Gatorade.
Our captors - who wear large hats, earrings and eye patches - forced us to engage in ridiculous and humiliating rituals involving other tribes. First, we are required to wear the costume of the American bumblebee. (The picture included was smuggled out in a rear cavity by a fellow prisoner - a man named Marvell.)
Once we are dressed, we pick up sticks and swat hopelessly at white balls thrown perilously close to our head. This has gone on for months, day and night.
And things are getting worse. Three weeks ago, a prisoner only known to us as “Tekulve” was eaten. Just yesterday, another prisoner, who called himself Rhoden, tried to escape. The guards caught and gave him "The Zimmer." We were too scared to ask what that was - afraid our spirits would break for good.
By the time you read this, I may already be dead, or worse: traded. If I have gone to be with the Great Umpire in the Sky, please know that I leave my collection of black sleeves to my mustachioed patriot, Dale Berra.
If this reaches you, send troops. We are being held in a sports arena at the center of what we can only surmise is a large Midwestern city. Look for the land where three rivers meet and the average temperature is 17 Fahrenheit degrees at night, 28 when the sun is out. If you discover our location, ask for a guard named "Candelaria" who seems to express some sympathy for our cause.
God speed,
Lee Tunnell #CR 567
Scoring: 3-6-1

thanks a million

Player: Jeff Montgomery
Card: 1991 Topps #371
Errors: Player is lodged, jammed, trapped and caught squarely in the 1980s. Player is wearing Kansas City Royals apparel without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. Player - hands at the ready - is standing guard, protecting empty stadium from first base foul line.
Comments:
Dear Mike and Joan,
Sorry this has taken to so long! Between the honeymoon and the new house, we fell too far behind on sending out thank yous to all the people who blessed us with wonderful and generous gifts!
Jeff and I absolutely adore the visor and Walkman! Jeff has not taken them off since our wedding day! Can you believe that?!
Just other day, Jeff was commenting on how much he values the visor. Of course, since Jeff plays in the major leagues, the team supplies him with most of the equipment that he needs, including hats, light blue shirts with numbers on the shoulder, sliding pants and a MLB-endorsed belt. However, one thing the team trainer did not hand out is a visor! It’s great for Jeff to have a hat with no roof - it helps keep his head cool in tight spots, like facing Kelly Gruber in the bottom of the ninth! Jeff loves how the visor includes stylish blue E-Z breath vents on the left and right sides. Jeff says they mop up the sweat, just like he mops up games! And of course, it has the Royals logo - precious! Jeff claims he is going to petition the league so he can wear it during games! Who knows if he's kidding?!
Even when he's on the road, Jeff likes to have a little bit of home and the bright yellow Walkman sure helps! Many times I will record inspirational messages for Jeff to listen to as he goes to sleep, or when he’s warming up in the bullpen. It's amazing! Once, when the Royals were facing the Red Sox, the manager tried to call Jeff in to the game, but he didn’t hear it because he still had the Walkman on! Can you believe that?! He really loves that Walkman!
Sadly, our dog Brett ate both the visor and the Walkman when someone - probably the maid - left them in the backyard. Enclosed, is a picture of Jeff cherishing both items before they were eaten.
Again, there is nothing we would have wanted more than to have all the people we love and cherish with us on the day Jeff and I started our life together. Sadly, our church had limited seating.
Still, we can’t thank you enough for your thoughtful generosity. Hope to see you again.
Love,
Jeff and Tina
Scoring: 9-5-2

on the road

Player: Arthur Rhodes
Card: 1993 Fleer #174
Errors: Um, he's not a catcher. Sweet hightops. What's he hiding under that left arm?
Comments:
There is a man. Arthur Rhodes. He's no Tuffy. Just a man.

Not The Man.

A Man.

He is one small crouch for man; one giant leap, leap, leap for mankind.

Crouch, slouch, grouch.
Kill, spill, thrill. Had my fill.
Don't Talk Back to the Pepsi GENeration.
Arthur Rhodes. How many Arthur Rhodes must a man travel down?

we want our Heroes to fit in boxes - even small boxes

Boxes Confine; Boxes Define

Do you have a spine?

Made $31 million. Or did $31 million make, him?

Swapped for Jason Kendall.

Swapped. Flopped. Dropped.

Popped.
Trading men. Traitor men.

Men cannot be traded for ideas, only other men.

Unless we are at war.

Arthur Rhodes. Not The Man. Just a man.
Scoring: CS 1-3

previously on

Player: Oscar Azocar
Card: 1991 Topps #659
Errors: Player was not issued an official Yankee uniform, rather a souvenir t-shirt. Player might have spent a little less time with the circus tricks, a little more time in the batting cage. Player has stage fright - waits to perform until stadium is evacuated.
Comments: Last week on "Yankee Island"...
After a terrible month of June, 35 castaways found themselves stranded in Yankee Stadium, without electricity, running water, bathrooms, a radio, food, hair brushes, a simple patch for their shipwrecked boat, a movie star, Mary Ann, heat, or air-conditioning.
As each Stranded Yank uses his or her strengths to try to rescue the team, their weakness threaten to strand them for good.
Things look grim for Deion Sanders, Matt Nokes and Kevin Maas, who all disappear in the mysterious Steinbrenner Haze that hangs over the dugout. Have they vanished forever?
Normally best friends, 'The Daves' - Eiland and LaPoint - find themselves in a bitter disagreement over whose mother makes the best brownies. Will these former allies be able to put aside their differences to help the squad?
Meanwhile, catcher Bob Geren faces a personal crisis: Does becoming a man mean leaving his old friends behind? Or is there room in his life for both new friends and old pals?
At the same time, Don Mattingly and Steve Balboni's mustaches become inadvertently intertwined, threatening the safety and camaraderie on the Island.
With time running out on the Stranded Yanks, left fielder Oscar Azocar fashions a rudimentary signaling device to call for help. The bubbling beakers and flashing electrical currents he normally uses in his very scientific, high-tech lab are not available, so Azocar must return to his roots. Using only two bats and an ordinary Rawlings baseball, Azocar sends out a distress signal. Dot, dot, dot. Dash, dash, dash. Dot, dot, dot.
Will anyone hear his call? Can anyone separate the mustaches? Are there any brownies left?
Find out on this week's exciting episode of...."Yankeeeeeeee Island!"
Scoring: 1-5-3

there once was a pitcher in new york

Player: Jon Matlack
Card: 1973 Topps #55
Errors: Player reached for the Golden Chalice of Topps All-Star Rookie-ness, but failed to grasp it. Player has batting-coach-shaped tumor growing out of left butt cheek-al region. Player may have laid two glove-shaped eggs on the field. Simon says touch right elbow to left knee - you too shadow player in the corner!
Comments:
OFFICIAL RESULTS - Bethpage Limerick Contest
Bronze medal ($5 gift card to Carvel)
Joe Christopher, Kramer Lane Elementary

There once was pitcher from West Chester P-A,
He threw for the Mets every fifth day.
But in between starts,
He had really bad farts.
And used his blue glove to subtly fan them away.

Judge’s notes: Good form, questionable use of ‘farts’, good rhyming.

Silver Medal (Two weekday passes to Science Museum of Long Island)
Rick Herrscher, Charles Campagne Elementary
Jon Matlack only pitched from the grass,
And his teammates thought this was a gas,
Until the manger stepped in,
And said with a grin,
If you do that again, I’ll kick your rear.

Judge's notes: Teacher’s editing of the poem cleans up improper language, but takes away some rhyming. Overall, nice effort.

Gold Medal (Family pass to Old Bethpage Restoration Village, plus $15 in Bethpage bucks)
Sammy Drake, John F. Kennedy Elementary

Jon Matlack was impossible to hit,
His mound tricks gave each batter a fit.
But one stunt truly shocked,
If his colon wasn’t blocked.
Matlack leaned over and pooped out a mitt.
Judge's notes: We are concerned about the number of entries that discuss bodily functions. Still, this entrant shows a mastery of the a-a-b-b-a structure of the classic limerick. Bravo!

Scoring: 8-5

live from the rusty spikes

Player: Dave Schmidt
Card: 1985 Topps #313
Errors: Pants are slowly swallowing player - hat is already partially digested. Two of the fans at the game passed away before first pitch. Photo was taken shortly before player was hoisted up the flag pole for Star Spangled Banner.
Comments: Hey, welcome to the Rusty Spikes. I’m Johnny. Thank you, thank you. The regularly scheduled stand-up comedian was, uh, suddenly taken ill. He’s been vomiting all day. Really terrible, awful stuff. Nasty. But that’s not the worst news. The worst news is you're still in the audience!
Whoa! Seriously. Whoa!
OK, we’re all here to raise a little money for Uglee Card’s 2008 Salute! … to hair. And hey, what’s with this Uglee Card anyway? Can’t this guy write something normal? Why’s it always gotta be some exotic fish recipe or shampoo instructions or B-movie script? So the player’s a tubbo. Just say it already! Enough with the obtusity!
Am I right? Hello? Anybody there? Whoa!
Anyhow, all right. So we got this Dave Schmidt. What’s not to like about this guy? I gotta say: maybe he took the Bring Your Chia Pet To The Park promotion a little too seriously, right? Whoa!
I mean, is that a jheri curl? Did he accidentally start using Gary Ward's locker? Maybe he was Charlie Houghing some paint in the back. Do you feel me? Whoa!
That’s not right. That’s just not right!
Hey, Schmidt - the drum major from the Get Along Gang Marching Band called. He wants his pants back! Whoa! Is there a pantless clown running around? Whoa!
Am I right? Is this mic working? Or is the audience broken? Whoa!
Hey, I don’t come to your work and fall asleep, do I? Whoa!
And Dave Schmidt, buddy, I gotta say it. Wonder Woman’s missing her belt. What’s the story there, right? Whoa! Hey!
OK, OK, you’ve been great. Just kidding - you were terrible. I was amazing! Whoa!
Scoring: 7-5-2