sign on the dotted line

Player: Junior Noboa

Card: 1991 Topps #182

Errors: Player put tape on hairy arms - that is going to hurt coming off. Player appears to be wearing McDonald's brand batting gloves. That can't be a real Major League uniform. Player not making eye contact with autograph recipient.

Comments:

"Mister! Mister! Can you sign my scorecard?"

"Sure kid, no problem."

My first autograph request! Five years in the show and finally a break!

OK, stay calm. Focus, Junior. You can do this. Fear is not an option in the bigs. You are a champion. A lion.

C'mon! Your wrists are taped, you got on the suuh-weet uni and you're a pro athlete. You can do anything that you set your mind to, Junior. Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter.

OK, here we go...Wait.

What should I sign? Junior Noboa? J. Noboa? J.N. 4eva? That's stupid. How about my real name: Milciades Arturo Diaz Noboa. Yeah, and then maybe put Junior in the middle, with some quotation marks. This kid will love it! You da man, Junior. You're a tiger, a puma.

Wait. Maybe I should do a little more. Anybody can just sign their name. Heck, this dumb, ugly could kid probably could have signed my name. He'd probably even spell it right. I got to do something a little special. OK, how about: Milciades Arturo Diaz "Junior" Noboa, 2B, Expos.

Ugh. Why would I write that? He knows what position I play! He's got the damn scorecard in his hand! Pathetic. C'mon Junior, pull it together. Write something inspirational.

Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Never take a wooden nickel. Nice - that's it. Kids today probably don't even know about wooden nickels anymore. OK. "Milciades Arturo Diaz "Junior" Noboa, 2B, Expos. Don't take any wooden nickels." Yeah, real smooth.

Wait. That makes no sense. How can I tell this kid about nickels when I make thousands of dollars and he probably had to scrape together a week's pay - maybe even kill a man - just to get his tickets. It's like I'm rubbing my wealth in the kid's face. He'll probably be so mad, he'll kill again. Then I'll be an accessory to murder. Great. Going to prison.

Damn, why did I tell this kid I would sign his scorecard? Let's see, maybe...

"Hey, mister? Mister? Never mind, mister. I mean...um, thanks for trying and all, but I gotta go. But not because you're taking so long. Uh, no, that's not it. It's just that Tim Wallach looks really lonely over there and, well, nobody likes a lonely Wallach. So, you see, that's why I have to leave. See ya."
Scoring: WP, WP, WP, WP

the hunchback of middle infielders

Player: Jeff Treadway

Card: 1991 Fleer #707

Errors: Kids, that's no way to field a grounder - always get in front of the ball. Is he playing baseball in a meadow? Again, thank you Fleer for a set of blindingly yellow posed baseball cards.

Comments:

FULTON COUNTY SHERIFF DEPARTMENT

INCIDENT REPORT 08-AF1543

Incident: Aggravated fielding

Time: 23:11

Date: 7.3.1990

Location: Meadow bordering Chalmers St. and Howell Ave.

Suspect: Jeff Treadway, 1/22/1963, 521 Capitol Ave., Atlanta, GA, m/w, 170 lbs, 5ft11, hair brown, eyes closed, posture poor, wearing blue hat, blue shirt, high gray pants, no tattoos or identifying marks

Summary: At above time and location, I, Offc. John DeMerit #29, was called to the scene of an aggravated fielding incident. Victim Herb Moford (8/6/1928, 12301 Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, NY, m/w, 6'1'', 175, hair brown, eyes hazel with specks of green) reported that he was having a picnic in a meadow near his home when he was approached by suspect Treadway, whom he did not know and was not enemies with.

Suspect Treadway was slumped over, yelling, "I am quasimodo. Throw me a grounder. I am quasimodo! Toss me a little pepper!"

Suspect's comments caused victim Moford to become alarmed and disturbed, as he was with his fiancee and feared for her physical safety.

In a calm manner, Moford gave suspect Treadway verbal instructions to leave the area. Suspect Treadway continued to advance toward picnic area and continued to verbally yell. When he reached picnic, suspect Treadway stepped on victim's fruit salad and silverware. Suspect Treadway then scooped up an orange and threw it at victim Moford, who was able to avoid contact with the projectile. Total loss was estimated at $8.50.

Victim Moford and fiancee fled the area northbound on Howell Ave and contacted authorities from Ken's Dollar Store, 1037 Howell Ave.

When officers arrived, suspect Treadway was slumped over, trying to scoop up ducks in his baseball glove.
At 23:45 hrs, I contacted state's attorney's office. ASA Cliff Cook approved charges of felony aggravated fielding and misdemeanor water fowl harassment within 1000 feet of a school.
Scoring: 7-4

size matters

Player: Bobby Knoop
Card: 1971 Topps #506
Errors: Playing in front of one (blurry) fan. Player wearing a light blue uniform, with matching belt. Player wearing long sleeve shirt at spring training.
Comments: Facts: Patient is Major League baseball player. Came in to office today (8/5/70) complaining of declining batting average, reduced power. Feels inadequate at the plate.
History: Player started career with California Angels, finishing 24th, then 18th in MVP voting in his second and third seasons. Those years were highlighted by a .269 average in 1965, followed by 17 homers and 11 triples in 1966. Last year, patient batted just .229 with only 5 home runs. Gold Glove fielding remains unaffected.
Diagnosis: In this physician's opinion, patient is suffering from TBS, also known as Tiny Bat Syndrome. Patient appears to be using a Little League bat, or possibly a novelty giveaway bat, during actual Major League games. Tiny bat leaves patient unable to reach any pitches thrown over outside part of the plate. On the rare occasion when player did make contact, bat shattered and splinters blinded opposing catcher Ray Fosse.
Recommendations: Drink plenty of fluids. Get plenty of rest. Take ibuprofin for any pain or fever. Do not operate heavy machinery. Borrow regulation Major League baseball bat from teammate Bill Melton (3B) or Carlos May (OF). Physician does not recommend borrowing bat from Gail Hopkins (1B). May substitute. No refills.
Scoring: F4