frank tanana can't face himself any longer

Player: Frank Tanana

Cards: 1991 Topps #236, 1990 Donruss #180, 1991 Fleer #354

Errors: Player may be unable to see home plate through his tiny eyeholes. Player's hat contains unnecessary storage space above head.

Comments: By all accounts, Frank Tanana is a nice guy. There are no stories of him berating the media or having off-field go-kart incidents. In fact, just the opposite: he's apparently a model citizen.

And he was pretty good ballplayer, too. Mr. Frank Daryl Tanana won more than 200 games, struck out over 2,700 batters and tossed 34 shut outs - top 100 in all three categories lifetime.

So, here's what we, the fans, want to know: What the heck did Frank Tanana ever do to baseball card photographers?

When you see the first card - pictured above - you might think, "Hey Mr. Topps Photographer, try not to position your players staring directly into the sun. I know you're taking lazy, cheesy spring training photos, but don't humiliate a flame-throwing-turned-crafty-veteran-three-time-all-star pitcher, bro."

If it were one card, it might be an accident.
But then how do you explain these other two? You can't.
For some reason, the members of the Major League Baseball Card Photographers and Bullpen Catcher Organization (MLBCPaBCO) banded together in an effort to embarass Mr. Tanana.

The question facing us is: Why?

Was he giving secrets to the Russians? Did he put a Phillie Phanatic head in their bed? Forget to show up for the post-season MLBCPaBCO picnic? Is this Manny Trillo related?

The card-viewing public demands answers!

We will file protests! We will write letters!

We will call Congressional hearings! We will call Congressional smellings!

We will picket!

Oh wait, Saturday Night Live is back on? Never mind.

Scoring: 5-3

glasses so big, he can see the future

Player: Tom Henke
Card: 1988 Topps All-Star, #396
Errors: Big glasses. Too happy. Obscenely yellow. Possible decapitation photo. Chest hair.
Comments: Looking at Big Tom's stats, two things stuck out:
One, how did he finish seventh in Rookie of the Year voting after his fourth year in the big leagues? He pitched 25 games the year before! Maybe no one noticed. But, I digress.
Two, I was impressed that he saved 36 games with a 1.82 ERA in his last year. Big Tom went out on top. Unfortunately, the age of the contact lens pitcher was upon us by then, make Big Tom a relic. Honestly, have we no room in our hearts for a Tom Henke, a Kent Tekulve? Eric Gagne was close with the prescription goggles, but we all know that's not the same thing.
Where are ye now, Tom Henke? We miss you and your Coke-bottle happiness.
Scoring: 3-1