Thursday, September 11, 2008

disappearing in a von hayes

Player: Mickey Hatcher
Card: 1986 Topps Twins leaders #786
Errors: Although this is a "Twins leaders" card, player lead the team in no discernable statistical categories. Player wore baseball jammies during game. Player is emerging from a cloud.
The outlook was quite foggy for the Minnesota nine that day;
The score stood 14-3, with but 1/3 of an inning left to play.
But when Hrbek hit a grand slam and Gaetti did the same;
The single fan remaining decided not to leave the game.

Then Tuefel let drive a single, to the bemusement of all;
And Burnansky, the much despised, tore the cover off the ball.
Unfortunately the thick smog never lifted, so the fan didn’t see what had occurred:
Tom was safe at second, and Tim - hugging third.

Then from almost five throats and more there rose a dusty cough;
It ambled over Astroturf, it jangled in the roof.
It knocked upon the Xcel Center, where McCain had nearly fallen flat;
For Mickey, mighty Mickey, was allegedly advancing to the bat.

There was a cloud near Mickey’s body as he stepped into his place;
There was haze near Mickey’s helmet and a double exposure on Mickey’s face.
And when, responding to the cheer, he lightly doffed his hat;
The lone fan in the crowd wondered: ‘Is that Pigpen at the bat?’

And now the made-in-Japan sphere came careening through the air,
And Mickey suddenly vanished as if he were never there.
From the benches, there went up a muffled roar;
Mickey's teammates had long ago fallen asleep and now began to snore.

“Find him! Find the player!” shouted someone in the stand;
And it’s likely they’d-a done so had not someone spotted Mickey’s hand.
They saw a foot near second base and heard a player strain;
They assumed Mickey must have hit it and wondered if he’d ever be seen again.

The field has disappeared from view, despite playing in a dome;
The fan begins to wonder whether to turn off the air conditioning when the team’s at home.
And now Mickey’s heard rounding third, and now the fan is yelling, ‘Go!’
And now the smog swirls and spikes begin to show.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land, the fans can see the game;
Somewhere smog has lifted, and clouds have done the same;
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere there is sun;
But there is no joy in Minnesota - no one knows if Mickey scored the run.

Scoring: F8


Pip said...

Those Uni's were horrible! The 80's were a low point in baseball uniforn history.

JoshR said...

That was quite amazing!

Teal said...

I am not sure the instrument has been invented that can measure how dead on this poem was. As a dedicated Twins fans in the 1970s and 1980s, this is so on the mark I can't stand it. Well done. The greatest shock in my life is when they won the World Series in 1987. The unis were horrible and Mickey was...well, he was Mickey.