Thursday, May 29, 2008

the tools of innocence

Player: Darren Daulton
Card: 1993 Triple Play #229
Errors: Player may feel uncomfortable showering in the locker room with full-grown adult teammates. Sweet tie - clip on? Um, that’s not a baseball player; it’s a little boy.
Comments: "Thank you for calling the TRIPLE PLAY! baseball card company customer satisfaction remedy line. Here at TRIPLE PLAY! baseball card company, we value each customer and hope that they have a fun, safe and pleasant experience collecting TRIPLE PLAY! baseball cards.
If at any time during this message you would like to reach a TRIPLE PLAY! operator press or say 'Villanueva.' A TRIPLE PLAY! operator may be with you shortly.
If you are calling about a problem with one of your TRIPLE PLAY! baseball cards being printed upside down, press or say 'Varsho'.
If you are calling with a complaint about the enormous glut of companies that produced baseball cards between 1988 and 1996, forcing executives to raid elementary school class pictures for their product, press or say 'Berryhill'.
If you believe that the number on the back of your TRIPLE PLAY! card provides a code that helps you understand the player's vibrational energy, make it rain inside our office.
If you are calling because you are disturbed by the very idea of TRIPLE PLAY! putting out cards with children’s pictures on them so they can be collected and traded by grown men, press or say 'Assenmacher'.
If you are a young man who’s father has died, then you fall while trying to catch a baseball, and the tendons in your arm heal in such a way that you can unexpectedly throw 103-mile-per-hour fastballs, press or say 'Dascenzo'.
If you are calling with an idea for a future TRIPLE PLAY! sports card set, including ultrasound pictures of Major League Stars, jock strap inserts from minor league managers or edible cards, press or say 'Schiraldi'.
For all other concerns, please hold and a TRIPLE PLAY! operator will be with you shortly, unless the company has gone out of business during this message."
Scoring: 7-2

2 comments:

NMboxer said...

Edible Cards: The Next Big Thing. (Topps Cannot Guarantee Investment Value If Eaten.)

Hugging Harold Reynolds said...

I think I was the only one with Triple Play cards.