Player: John Smiley
Card: 1988 Topps #423
Errors: Player fails to live up to last name. Player is apparently throwing pitches from outside the foul lines, a violation of Major League rules. Player was given uniform without team name or number, also a violation of Major League rules.
Comments: Listen up, baseball babes. John Smiley wants you to know something.
Pitching in the major leagues is serious business. There's no doubt about it. On some days, it can be deadly serious.
That's why John Smiley likes to scowl. Sometimes, he'll stand in the locker room for hours just working on his frown. Once, in the minor leagues, he injured himself during a 12-minute glowering.
But that doesn't mean when he's off the mound - when he's away from the diamond battlefield - that John Smiley doesn't appreciate the softer things in life.
John Smiley likes walks on the beach. John Smiley can appreciate the beauty of America's many national parks. John Smiley enjoys monogrammed golf balls.
So, all you fine home-team honies out there, have a great Valentine's Day. Enjoy the chocolates, the candlelight dinners and the sweet nothings.
But never forget that the next day (and every fifth day following that), John Smiley will be back to the task at hand: glaring batters to death.